Kim Kardashian Hollywood review: Look Ma I’m famous! 
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Matthew Figueira
August 6, 2014 at 3:30 pm

I WAS incredibly excited when I found out that I would be the new Lazygamer intern. Little did I know that I would be forced to do all sorts of horrible things daily. I really thought the community would have my back. How could they not support the newcomer… the underdog? How wrong I was.

A few comments and hashtags later, and before I know it, I have a copy of Kim Kardashian Hollywood on my phone for review. So here you are friends, your demands requests are my command! Lets kick things off with some character design. I had big dreams for my avatar, so I named him Swag Machine! Who could resist this good looking chap with a wannabe afro? Problem is, a cool name and big hair won’t get you far. You start off as a Mr/Miss nobody, with 0 recognition from anybody.

Son I am disappoint

It isn’t long before fame finds you though, as you are soon spotted by Kim Kardashian. Oh, how nice of her, she is going to go out of her way to make me a star! Before I know it, I’m ranked as an E-list celeb. I’m now well on my way to stardom. Kim hooked me up with an agent, Simon. Quite an enthusiastic bloke really, he has a near endless supply of small time work for me to do. My first gig was a photo shoot. Till this point, there had been no real gameplay. That all changed when I was posing in front of that camera.

Each job has a five star rating bar and time limit before completion. To fill that bar, I had to do all sorts of things; change my outfit, smile for the camera, react to the backdrop… you get the idea. Doing any of those requires a few thumb taps and costs energy which regenerates in small amounts every couple of minutes.

Oh yeah I am gonna be famous

The small jobs aren’t too bad, you can achieve the 5 star rating with ease. The problems start when you start getting the longer jobs. They take a good few hours in real life, and a lot more effort to fill up your ratings. Much like any other free to play game, it’s at this point where people stumble and become impatient. You can spend real money on Kardashian tokens, which you can then spend on extra energy. The credit card swipes won’t end there. You can choose to buy clothes and other extra accessories with money earned from your gigs. Is that taking just a teeny bit too long? You can spend real cash for in-game dollars.

I played the game for around two weeks, slogging through the free to play path. I managed to save up around $1500 (with minor spending here and there), and that is a petty amount. Oh, I have a quest to buy that snazzy new condo? Too bad it costs $2000. Let the small time gigs continue!

This could be us but you not rich enough

To ease my transition into fame, Kim organised a date with her friend Michelle Murphy, a pretty writer. Things seem to be going well, but Michelle keeps commenting on my poor date attire. She’s crazy, does she think I’m going to spend $1750 on that really nice jacket? Maybe I can buy these $2250 shoes for her to show her how legit and serious I am about our relationship. Oh wait, no I can’t, because I’m poor as piss.

This relationship clearly won’t last, I should break up with her before she dumps me! I’m having a really tough time, but at least my birthday is coming up. It looks like Kim wants to throw me a party all the way in Vegas! Seems a bit excessive, but hey this is the celeb life and before I know it, I’m on the next plane. I scoped out a potential venue, but the owner was a bit of a snob, denying the use of his club because I’m not well known. I’ll show him, Simon surely has more work for me which will bring in the fans!

BIG TIME HERE I COME

It took several days before I was finally famous enough to warrant the use of Mister Snob’s club. Heck, I’m making quite the name for myself, I have nearly 10 000 fans! Oh, Kim got me a snazzy new jacket for the gig… she’s the best, so kind and generous! I suit up and head over to what will be one of the most memorable nights in existence. Sure it’s my birthday, but Simon tells me the party really is more of a publicity stunt.

Time to score me some more fans! It’s going to last a whopping 8 hours, time to mingle and get to know everybody. Urgh, I’ve squandered my energy. I refuse to pull out my card, so I guess I’ll just have to wait before I can continue socialising. I forget all about the party and pocket my phone. A few hours later I get a notification telling me it’s nearly done. OH NO! I forgot all about my guests!

OMG KIM XOXO

My star rating for the party is terrible, 1 out of 5 to be exact. It’s clearly going to be ranked as a failure. That’s still not too bad, right? I mean, where would I find the time to check my phone that often to ensure a good rating? I probably just won’t gain as many fans as I normally would. A few hours pass and the review comes in. I check it nervously, knowing I screwed up pretty badly. The party was reported to be a mess. I lose a whopping 2000 fans, I’m down to 8000 once more.

I’m over it, I worked so hard to get those followers. I did so many small time spreads and gigs! Simon calls with more work, not offering a single comment on the events of the night before. He must be really angry! Hey, it’s something money can fix, right?

For only $99.99 you too can be rich

Yeah, it was at that point that I stopped playing and stopped caring. I am clearly not the target market for this game. I can understand why it is popular though, because it gives people the opportunity to live out their dreams of becoming a celebrity. That however, is something that doesn’t appeal to me at all. From a completely objective gameplay point of view, it really is nothing to write home about.

What I can compliment is the actual game design. If you’ve ever played something like The Simpsons Tapped Out for example, you’d know that the loading screen is an absolute pain. The Kim Kardashian game loads in and out in a couple of seconds, meaning that checking on your upcoming celebrity isn’t an absolute pain in the ass.

Other than that, it isn’t a game I could really recommend, at least not to a hardcore gamer. It can be mindlessly addictive to be honest. I have this annoying feeling that I should be looking at my phone, spending energy and collecting money and fans, but then I remember that I have better things to do.

Conclusion

If you’re a fan of Kim Kardashian, Hollywood, or any kind of tap-a-thon game, feel free to check it out. If not, you’ll find no real joy here.
5.5

Kim Kardashian Hollywood was reviewed by Matthew Figueira on a iOS

Defence of the Ancients? More like Defence of the cabbages! Have you seen my head? I look like a Merino Sheep on pole. NO SHANGE only SHAPPIES! :D

  • VampyreSquirrel

    LOL! You actually reviewed it… congrats… also I’m glad it got such a kak score lol

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      Actually, I’m a little surprised it scored so high

      • VampyreSquirrel

        Very true, but I guess it could have scored higher.

  • VampyreSquirrel

    LOL! You actually reviewed it… congrats… also I’m glad it got such a kak score lol

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      Actually, I’m a little surprised it scored so high

      • VampyreSquirrel

        Very true, but I guess it could have scored higher.

  • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

    HAHAHAHAHHAHA Nope out of 10!!!!!

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      That cracked me up.

  • Spathi

    Wow, actually a great read. I see a bright future for you in this industry Matilda!

    • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

      *Martha

      • Spathi

        Don’t care what her name is, as long as she stays in the kitchen I’m fine! :P

  • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

    HAHAHAHAHHAHA Nope out of 10!!!!!

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      That cracked me up.

  • Spathi

    Wow, actually a great read. I see a bright future for you in this industry Matilda!

    • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

      *Martha

      • Spathi

        Don’t care what her name is, as long as she stays in the kitchen I’m fine! :P

  • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

    Congrats to actually going through with it! Well done

  • Hammersteyn

    Ray Powers? Fine, I’m changing my name to Master Blaster

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      I shall be Mass Debater!

      • Hammersteyn

        HAHAHA!

  • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

    Congrats to actually going through with it! Well done

  • Hammersteyn

    Ray Powers? Fine, I’m changing my name to Master Blaster

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      I shall be Mass Debater!

      • Hammersteyn

        HAHAHA!

  • Rince

    You see! The power of the # on twitter works! I am proud of the efforts @Admiral_Chief:disqus and I put into making this happen. Well done sir.

    • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

      Woot woot!

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      Well played gents

      • Rince

        Well I am proud, something for the tombstone ‘here lies a horrible &^*&^*&^’ :)

        • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

          “I helped make sure Matty Fig reviewed that Kardashian game”

          Huehuehuehu

  • Rince

    You see! The power of the # on twitter works! I am proud of the efforts @Admiral_Chief:disqus and I put into making this happen. Well done sir.

    • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

      Woot woot!

    • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

      Well played gents

      • Rince

        Well I am proud, something for the tombstone ‘here lies a horrible &^*&^*&^’ :)

        • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

          “I helped make sure Matty Fig reviewed that Kardashian game”

          Huehuehuehu

  • Hammersteyn

    I’m very conflicted, there’s a lot of games I give shit, but this….. How can this exist??? And it’s making tons of money……. Days like these makes me want to quit gaming,quit booze, fucking quit life as well.

  • Hammersteyn

    I’m very conflicted, there’s a lot of games I give shit, but this….. How can this exist??? And it’s making tons of money……. Days like these makes me want to quit gaming,quit booze, fucking quit life as well.

  • Rince

    You know, I bet secretly he plays this every waking moment he has. That he created a profile that in no way could be linked to him or cabbages and sits hoping against all odds that now he plays this, Kim will reply to him on twitter…

  • Rince

    You know, I bet secretly he plays this every waking moment he has. That he created a profile that in no way could be linked to him or cabbages and sits hoping against all odds that now he plays this, Kim will reply to him on twitter…

    • B4d R0b0t

      Read waking as wanking….

  • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

    whahahahahahaha. Dude. Respect. I can’t believe you actually reviewed this. GG. Reviewed like a boss!

    • Rince

      It;s their first steps that bring the most joy! *SNIFF

  • Sir Rants A Lot Llew

    whahahahahahaha. Dude. Respect. I can’t believe you actually reviewed this. GG. Reviewed like a boss!

    • Rince

      It;s their first steps that bring the most joy! *SNIFF

  • Rince

    Why does Martha’s avatar in this game look like it’s been squirted out of a fake tan tube? 0_O

    • VampyreSquirrel

      Because it’s a Kardashian game?

    • HvR – Still dislikes Random.or

      Because that is Martha’s natural colour.

  • Rince

    Why does Martha’s avatar in this game look like it’s been squirted out of a fake tan tube? 0_O

    • VampyreSquirrel

      Because it’s a Kardashian game?

    • HvR – Still dislikes Random.or

      Because that is Martha’s natural colour.

  • Xander Naudé

    Props for even getting to a point where you would force yourself to play this. It’s on par with that one hentai bird dating sim (which wasn’t too bad,actually)

  • Xander Naudé

    Props for even getting to a point where you would force yourself to play this. It’s on par with that one hentai bird dating sim (which wasn’t too bad,actually)

  • Alien Emperor Trevor

    How rude. I had your back, cabbage.

  • Alien Emperor Trevor

    How rude. I had your back, cabbage.

  • Unavengedavo

    This is possibly the 1st ever review that I have read on LG O_o

    • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

      At least you started at the bottom

  • Unavengedavo

    This is possibly the 1st ever review that I have read on LG O_o

    • Admiral Chief Dovahkiin

      At least you started at the bottom

  • Aussious

    Imagine how he feels…

  • Aussious

    Imagine how he feels…

  • Weanerdog of shame

    I am so sorry that I suggested this.

  • Weanerdog of shame

    I am so sorry that I suggested this.

  • Jaco DeBeer

    Thank you for sparing us all from trying this “game” in a misguided fit of madness. We are eternally grateful and hope that you cleansed yourself properly after removing said “game” from your life!

    • Hammersteyn

      He can’t, her ass is to big

  • Jaco DeBeer

    Thank you for sparing us all from trying this “game” in a misguided fit of madness. We are eternally grateful and hope that you cleansed yourself properly after removing said “game” from your life!

    • Hammersteyn

      He can’t, her ass is to big

  • Marty

    I honestly can’t wait until Kim is 45 and has a plastic horse face.

  • Marty

    I honestly can’t wait until Kim is 45 and has a plastic horse face.

  • Sageville

    Woah, we were only kidding about making poor intern review this “game”, now I feel bad!

  • Sageville

    Woah, we were only kidding about making poor intern review this “game”, now I feel bad!

  • Thats_how_I_Troll
  • Thats_how_I_Troll
  • Thats_how_I_Troll
  • Yondaime

    This is the most pointless game i have ever seen…..EVER! id rather go play Candy Crush or Fruit Ninja

  • Yondaime

    This is the most pointless game i have ever seen…..EVER! id rather go play Candy Crush or Fruit Ninja

  • Ryanza

    Is this game about recording yourself having sex and becoming famous.

  • Ryanza

    Is this game about recording yourself having sex and becoming famous.

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  • B4d R0b0t

    The depth of this review is scary, are you still playing the game? :p

  • Your Mama

    Saint Apostle Luke, Chapter 18, Verse 25:

    Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

    Saint Apostle Timothy I, Chapter 6, Verse 10:

    For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

    Saint Apostle Matthew, Chapter 6, Verse 22:

    The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.

    Book of Acts, Chapter 20, Verse 35:

    . . . It is more blessed to give than to receive.

    Book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 5, Verse 21:

    Neither shalt thou covet thy neighbor’s wife; neither shalt thou desire thy neighbor’s house, his field, or his man-servant, or his maid-servant, his ox,or his ass, or anything that is thy neighbor’s.

    Saint Apostle John, Chapter 14, Verse 6:

    Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to
    the Father but through Me.”

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  • hairyknees

    Nope :P