I WAS incredibly excited when I found out that I would be the new Lazygamer intern. Little did I know that I would be forced to do all sorts of horrible things daily. I really thought the community would have my back. How could they not support the newcomer… the underdog? How wrong I was.
A few comments and hashtags later, and before I know it, I have a copy of Kim Kardashian Hollywood on my phone for review. So here you are friends, your demands requests are my command! Lets kick things off with some character design. I had big dreams for my avatar, so I named him Swag Machine! Who could resist this good looking chap with a wannabe afro? Problem is, a cool name and big hair won’t get you far. You start off as a Mr/Miss nobody, with 0 recognition from anybody.
It isn’t long before fame finds you though, as you are soon spotted by Kim Kardashian. Oh, how nice of her, she is going to go out of her way to make me a star! Before I know it, I’m ranked as an E-list celeb. I’m now well on my way to stardom. Kim hooked me up with an agent, Simon. Quite an enthusiastic bloke really, he has a near endless supply of small time work for me to do. My first gig was a photo shoot. Till this point, there had been no real gameplay. That all changed when I was posing in front of that camera.
Each job has a five star rating bar and time limit before completion. To fill that bar, I had to do all sorts of things; change my outfit, smile for the camera, react to the backdrop… you get the idea. Doing any of those requires a few thumb taps and costs energy which regenerates in small amounts every couple of minutes.
The small jobs aren’t too bad, you can achieve the 5 star rating with ease. The problems start when you start getting the longer jobs. They take a good few hours in real life, and a lot more effort to fill up your ratings. Much like any other free to play game, it’s at this point where people stumble and become impatient. You can spend real money on Kardashian tokens, which you can then spend on extra energy. The credit card swipes won’t end there. You can choose to buy clothes and other extra accessories with money earned from your gigs. Is that taking just a teeny bit too long? You can spend real cash for in-game dollars.
I played the game for around two weeks, slogging through the free to play path. I managed to save up around $1500 (with minor spending here and there), and that is a petty amount. Oh, I have a quest to buy that snazzy new condo? Too bad it costs $2000. Let the small time gigs continue!
To ease my transition into fame, Kim organised a date with her friend Michelle Murphy, a pretty writer. Things seem to be going well, but Michelle keeps commenting on my poor date attire. She’s crazy, does she think I’m going to spend $1750 on that really nice jacket? Maybe I can buy these $2250 shoes for her to show her how legit and serious I am about our relationship. Oh wait, no I can’t, because I’m poor as piss.
This relationship clearly won’t last, I should break up with her before she dumps me! I’m having a really tough time, but at least my birthday is coming up. It looks like Kim wants to throw me a party all the way in Vegas! Seems a bit excessive, but hey this is the celeb life and before I know it, I’m on the next plane. I scoped out a potential venue, but the owner was a bit of a snob, denying the use of his club because I’m not well known. I’ll show him, Simon surely has more work for me which will bring in the fans!
It took several days before I was finally famous enough to warrant the use of Mister Snob’s club. Heck, I’m making quite the name for myself, I have nearly 10 000 fans! Oh, Kim got me a snazzy new jacket for the gig… she’s the best, so kind and generous! I suit up and head over to what will be one of the most memorable nights in existence. Sure it’s my birthday, but Simon tells me the party really is more of a publicity stunt.
Time to score me some more fans! It’s going to last a whopping 8 hours, time to mingle and get to know everybody. Urgh, I’ve squandered my energy. I refuse to pull out my card, so I guess I’ll just have to wait before I can continue socialising. I forget all about the party and pocket my phone. A few hours later I get a notification telling me it’s nearly done. OH NO! I forgot all about my guests!
My star rating for the party is terrible, 1 out of 5 to be exact. It’s clearly going to be ranked as a failure. That’s still not too bad, right? I mean, where would I find the time to check my phone that often to ensure a good rating? I probably just won’t gain as many fans as I normally would. A few hours pass and the review comes in. I check it nervously, knowing I screwed up pretty badly. The party was reported to be a mess. I lose a whopping 2000 fans, I’m down to 8000 once more.
I’m over it, I worked so hard to get those followers. I did so many small time spreads and gigs! Simon calls with more work, not offering a single comment on the events of the night before. He must be really angry! Hey, it’s something money can fix, right?
Yeah, it was at that point that I stopped playing and stopped caring. I am clearly not the target market for this game. I can understand why it is popular though, because it gives people the opportunity to live out their dreams of becoming a celebrity. That however, is something that doesn’t appeal to me at all. From a completely objective gameplay point of view, it really is nothing to write home about.
What I can compliment is the actual game design. If you’ve ever played something like The Simpsons Tapped Out for example, you’d know that the loading screen is an absolute pain. The Kim Kardashian game loads in and out in a couple of seconds, meaning that checking on your upcoming celebrity isn’t an absolute pain in the ass.
Other than that, it isn’t a game I could really recommend, at least not to a hardcore gamer. It can be mindlessly addictive to be honest. I have this annoying feeling that I should be looking at my phone, spending energy and collecting money and fans, but then I remember that I have better things to do.
Last Updated: August 6, 2014
Kim Kardashian Hollywood | |
If you’re a fan of Kim Kardashian, Hollywood, or any kind of tap-a-thon game, feel free to check it out. If not, you’ll find no real joy here.
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Kim Kardashian Hollywood was reviewed on iOS | |
57 /
100
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VampyreSquirrel
August 6, 2014 at 15:33
LOL! You actually reviewed it… congrats… also I’m glad it got such a kak score lol
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 17:21
Actually, I’m a little surprised it scored so high
VampyreSquirrel
August 6, 2014 at 20:25
Very true, but I guess it could have scored higher.
VampyreSquirrel
August 6, 2014 at 15:33
LOL! You actually reviewed it… congrats… also I’m glad it got such a kak score lol
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 17:21
Actually, I’m a little surprised it scored so high
VampyreSquirrel
August 6, 2014 at 20:25
Very true, but I guess it could have scored higher.
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:38
HAHAHAHAHHAHA Nope out of 10!!!!!
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 15:52
That cracked me up.
Spathi
August 6, 2014 at 15:38
Wow, actually a great read. I see a bright future for you in this industry Matilda!
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:39
*Martha
Spathi
August 6, 2014 at 15:43
Don’t care what her name is, as long as she stays in the kitchen I’m fine! 😛
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:38
HAHAHAHAHHAHA Nope out of 10!!!!!
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 15:52
That cracked me up.
Spathi
August 6, 2014 at 15:38
Wow, actually a great read. I see a bright future for you in this industry Matilda!
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:39
*Martha
Spathi
August 6, 2014 at 15:43
Don’t care what her name is, as long as she stays in the kitchen I’m fine! 😛
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:40
Congrats to actually going through with it! Well done
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 15:40
Ray Powers? Fine, I’m changing my name to Master Blaster
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 17:20
I shall be Mass Debater!
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 17:56
HAHAHA!
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:40
Congrats to actually going through with it! Well done
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 15:40
Ray Powers? Fine, I’m changing my name to Master Blaster
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 17:20
I shall be Mass Debater!
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 17:56
HAHAHA!
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:44
You see! The power of the # on twitter works! I am proud of the efforts @Admiral_Chief:disqus and I put into making this happen. Well done sir.
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:48
Woot woot!
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 15:51
Well played gents
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:52
Well I am proud, something for the tombstone ‘here lies a horrible &^*&^*&^’ 🙂
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 17:20
“I helped make sure Matty Fig reviewed that Kardashian game”
Huehuehuehu
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:44
You see! The power of the # on twitter works! I am proud of the efforts @Admiral_Chief:disqus and I put into making this happen. Well done sir.
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 15:48
Woot woot!
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 15:51
Well played gents
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:52
Well I am proud, something for the tombstone ‘here lies a horrible &^*&^*&^’ 🙂
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 17:20
“I helped make sure Matty Fig reviewed that Kardashian game”
Huehuehuehu
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 15:47
I’m very conflicted, there’s a lot of games I give shit, but this….. How can this exist??? And it’s making tons of money……. Days like these makes me want to quit gaming,quit booze, fucking quit life as well.
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 15:47
I’m very conflicted, there’s a lot of games I give shit, but this….. How can this exist??? And it’s making tons of money……. Days like these makes me want to quit gaming,quit booze, fucking quit life as well.
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:50
You know, I bet secretly he plays this every waking moment he has. That he created a profile that in no way could be linked to him or cabbages and sits hoping against all odds that now he plays this, Kim will reply to him on twitter…
B4d R0b0t
August 11, 2014 at 07:33
Read waking as wanking….
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:50
You know, I bet secretly he plays this every waking moment he has. That he created a profile that in no way could be linked to him or cabbages and sits hoping against all odds that now he plays this, Kim will reply to him on twitter…
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 15:51
whahahahahahaha. Dude. Respect. I can’t believe you actually reviewed this. GG. Reviewed like a boss!
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:57
It;s their first steps that bring the most joy! *SNIFF
Sir Rants A Lot Llew
August 6, 2014 at 15:51
whahahahahahaha. Dude. Respect. I can’t believe you actually reviewed this. GG. Reviewed like a boss!
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:57
It;s their first steps that bring the most joy! *SNIFF
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:52
Why does Martha’s avatar in this game look like it’s been squirted out of a fake tan tube? 0_O
VampyreSquirrel
August 6, 2014 at 15:54
Because it’s a Kardashian game?
HvR - Still dislikes Random.or
August 6, 2014 at 16:22
Because that is Martha’s natural colour.
Rince
August 6, 2014 at 15:52
Why does Martha’s avatar in this game look like it’s been squirted out of a fake tan tube? 0_O
VampyreSquirrel
August 6, 2014 at 15:54
Because it’s a Kardashian game?
HvR - Still dislikes Random.or
August 6, 2014 at 16:22
Because that is Martha’s natural colour.
Xander Naudé
August 6, 2014 at 15:58
Props for even getting to a point where you would force yourself to play this. It’s on par with that one hentai bird dating sim (which wasn’t too bad,actually)
Xander Naudé
August 6, 2014 at 15:58
Props for even getting to a point where you would force yourself to play this. It’s on par with that one hentai bird dating sim (which wasn’t too bad,actually)
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 6, 2014 at 16:01
How rude. I had your back, cabbage.
Alien Emperor Trevor
August 6, 2014 at 16:01
How rude. I had your back, cabbage.
Unavengedavo
August 6, 2014 at 16:05
This is possibly the 1st ever review that I have read on LG O_o
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 16:06
At least you started at the bottom
Unavengedavo
August 6, 2014 at 16:05
This is possibly the 1st ever review that I have read on LG O_o
Admiral Chief Dovahkiin
August 6, 2014 at 16:06
At least you started at the bottom
Aussious
August 6, 2014 at 16:18
Imagine how he feels…
Aussious
August 6, 2014 at 16:18
Imagine how he feels…
Weanerdog of shame
August 6, 2014 at 17:06
I am so sorry that I suggested this.
Weanerdog of shame
August 6, 2014 at 17:06
I am so sorry that I suggested this.
Jaco DeBeer
August 6, 2014 at 17:14
Thank you for sparing us all from trying this “game” in a misguided fit of madness. We are eternally grateful and hope that you cleansed yourself properly after removing said “game” from your life!
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 17:57
He can’t, her ass is to big
Jaco DeBeer
August 6, 2014 at 17:14
Thank you for sparing us all from trying this “game” in a misguided fit of madness. We are eternally grateful and hope that you cleansed yourself properly after removing said “game” from your life!
Hammersteyn
August 6, 2014 at 17:57
He can’t, her ass is to big
Marty
August 6, 2014 at 18:15
I honestly can’t wait until Kim is 45 and has a plastic horse face.
Marty
August 6, 2014 at 18:15
I honestly can’t wait until Kim is 45 and has a plastic horse face.
Sageville
August 7, 2014 at 09:56
Woah, we were only kidding about making poor intern review this “game”, now I feel bad!
Sageville
August 7, 2014 at 09:56
Woah, we were only kidding about making poor intern review this “game”, now I feel bad!
Thats_how_I_Troll
August 7, 2014 at 11:51
http://www.google.co.za/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fsd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk%2Fi%2Fdoes-somebody-need-a-hug.png&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk%2Fp%2Fdoes-somebody-need-a-hug%2F&h=700&w=600&tbnid=0dlo5wVd28RmpM%3A&zoom=1&docid=WTcIOTf4Xto5LM&ei=wUvjU6jTNunm7AbEwYGQAQ&tbm=isch&ved=0CCcQMygHMAc&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=343&page=1&start=0&ndsp=20
Thats_how_I_Troll
August 7, 2014 at 11:55
http://www.google.co.za/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Ftreasure.diylol.com%2Fuploads%2Fpost%2Fimage%2F285158%2Fresized_sadbanana-meme-generator-you-make-sad-banana-even-sadder-fd32d7.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbeta.diylol.com%2Fposts%2F285158-you-make-sad-banana-even-sadder&h=615&w=800&tbnid=_McxtGPwbBXDlM%3A&zoom=1&docid=RQb_3qeXUIdMyM&ei=3EzjU8ONPIaI7AaM8YGYDQ&tbm=isch&ved=0CEwQMygVMBU&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=509&page=2&start=16&ndsp=24
Thats_how_I_Troll
August 7, 2014 at 11:55
http://www.google.co.za/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Ftreasure.diylol.com%2Fuploads%2Fpost%2Fimage%2F285158%2Fresized_sadbanana-meme-generator-you-make-sad-banana-even-sadder-fd32d7.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbeta.diylol.com%2Fposts%2F285158-you-make-sad-banana-even-sadder&h=615&w=800&tbnid=_McxtGPwbBXDlM%3A&zoom=1&docid=RQb_3qeXUIdMyM&ei=3EzjU8ONPIaI7AaM8YGYDQ&tbm=isch&ved=0CEwQMygVMBU&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=509&page=2&start=16&ndsp=24
Yondaime
August 7, 2014 at 12:01
This is the most pointless game i have ever seen…..EVER! id rather go play Candy Crush or Fruit Ninja
Yondaime
August 7, 2014 at 12:01
This is the most pointless game i have ever seen…..EVER! id rather go play Candy Crush or Fruit Ninja
Ryanza
August 8, 2014 at 01:20
Is this game about recording yourself having sex and becoming famous.
Ryanza
August 8, 2014 at 01:20
Is this game about recording yourself having sex and becoming famous.
B4d R0b0t
August 11, 2014 at 07:33
The depth of this review is scary, are you still playing the game? :p
Your Mama
August 16, 2014 at 13:43
Saint Apostle Luke, Chapter 18, Verse 25:
Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
Saint Apostle Timothy I, Chapter 6, Verse 10:
For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
Saint Apostle Matthew, Chapter 6, Verse 22:
The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.
Book of Acts, Chapter 20, Verse 35:
. . . It is more blessed to give than to receive.
Book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 5, Verse 21:
Neither shalt thou covet thy neighbor’s wife; neither shalt thou desire thy neighbor’s house, his field, or his man-servant, or his maid-servant, his ox,or his ass, or anything that is thy neighbor’s.
Saint Apostle John, Chapter 14, Verse 6:
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to
the Father but through Me.”