The biggest game in forever has arrived and you’ve all been taken along for the ride. But not me. I think Rockstar has thrown the baby out with the handgun. Sure, there have been other lists similar to this one, but what we have here are ten definitive reasons why GTA IV is a terrible, terrible game. I’m no spring-chicken, either. I have done my GTA time. Okay, I played GTA a lot but never actually got anywhere. GTA 2 was a bit spec heavy. GTA 3 was awesome, but I had a sucky PC. In Vice City I got far enough to sell drugs and after spending hours not unlocking sh** in San Andreas, I downloaded a 100% save game and spent the rest of my time driving tanks though traffic. So clearly I am an experienced expert at all things Grand Theft Auto!

So listen up! Forget ‘broken’ cars or a combat system that actually makes the combat playable (thus ruining it for us ultra-hardcore players). Here is why GTA IV sucks:

Jesus, Paki, I DON’T LIKE YOUR SISTER
Dude, get over it. I’m a homicidal maniac, she’s a Catholic prude. It’s not gonna work and the fact that I haven’t called her since our second date(she wouldn’t put out) might be a sign I have moved on. Yeah, I spoke to her at the funeral. So what? I also spoke to the guy at the hot dog stand. Then I shot him. So tell your sis to back the f*** off.

Look, people, I have to work
I’m barely in town and I have a phone book full of whinging, whiny, unaccommodating ‘friends’. They bitch when I call at the wrong time (though they never bother to give me a real schedule or something), they bitch when I’m late (even though they expect me to get to them in an hour when they phoned me while I was across town going against peak hour traffic on a bridge) and they bitch when I don’t call them. Listen, people, I got to know you because you hired me to do nasty business for you. I’m busy with nasty business. I also want to tell my friends “Dude, you’re an asshole for calling me before [insert time here].” Sod off and go drink with one of my other needy friends. I’ll see you after the story.

I just shot 200 people, but I forgot to change my clothes for a date.
Jeesh, dates are picky. That’s why I don’t go on them. “You could have changed your clothes”, “You never call!”, “Your car is crap.” Sorry about that, my dear,but the BMW knock-off is currently lying on its roof and on fire in front of the cops. What, you thought the flashing lights following me was a police escort?

This is my rifle, this is my gun. So where’s my tank?
Okay, there might be a tank. I don’t know. But there had better be. I want to back it up across one of the narrow bridges. It’s also said there is no parachute. Then what’s the point of the tall buildings?! The suicide camera cut is nice, but gets tired. I want to float like a butterfly and snipe like an unemployed man and a boy hiding in a car. O, well, maybe I’ll find the jet pack soon. Then watch the cops chase me!

No Boeing for you
YOU CAN’T HIJACK A BOEING!!! Yes, it would be a pointless exercise. You would clear the map before you clear take-off. But this is GTA, so I wanna! I promise I won’t fly it into any buildings. Scouts honour. Not for the first ten minutes, at least…

FFS, people, INDICATE!
I asked someone who lived in New York if the drivers there a) never indicate and b) ignore any semblance of a car horn. Apparently this is the case. So hats off to Rockstar for the realism, but if another bastard changes lanes for no reason while I’m doing mach 5 down a narrow road, I’m killing him and everyone on the highway. At least now stealing a squad car has real value. But this is why I need a tank – to protect myself against the non-indicating masses.

Jimmy could kick Niko’s ass
This is actually a serious point. Rockstar has two games with awesome melee combat systems: The Warriors and Bully. Now Niko can be a nimble mofo, providing you can time that dodge move of his. I can’t, so all friendly contests of pugilism end with a shotgun in the face. My honour is hurting: I deserve to stomp the faces of my challengers like any red-blooded thug.

I ain’t digging the tweens, man
Either a lot of people playing GTA online have hormone problems or there are a lot of teens and tweens hanging around, playing the game. This is not on. It’s a MATURE game. That means I expect, when online, not to get my ass kicked by someone half my age. This is why I buy M-rated games. Not that it’s ever worked, but I have hope. Look, all I want is a placebo effect. When the game detects a kiddie voice coming over the comms, disguise it to sound like a hot Japanese schoolgirl. I don’t mind being beaten by a hot Japanese schoolgirl.

Nobody told me you could stab the lawyer
Seriously, do you people know how hard it was to shoot my way out of the lawyer building? Well, not really. It was actually easy (especially compared to the bank robbery). But if I stabbed the guy, I could have strolled out, bought a burger and get my car sans the bullet hole decor. Hellnooooo , I had to take out a grenade and blow him to kingdom come. For some reason that alerted EVERYONE. Here I thought high-class lawyers had sound-proof rooms for those sensitive crime boss conversations. Not True!

Where’s Lazlow?
You hear on the radio that he’s walking around. But I can’t find him. No screaming hot dog guy. No music video shoot. No woman with a panty-wearing husband. It feels like the REAL Liberty City is hidden right in front of me. Then again, maybe it’s best I don’t find Lazlow wandering in the city. I’d drive over him. I don’t want to – the radio show is awesome. But I would anyway, just because I can.

If Rockstar fixes these things then maybe, MAYBE, I’ll download a 100% file.