Recently, I got my hands on Ninja Gaiden 3, dizzy with excitement for the shinobi action contained within. I’d ignored the warnings of Geoff, who pleaded with me to not waste my time and cash on the game. But I thought, how bad could it really be?
Don’t feel like sitting through the video that I made? Fine! Be like that (Sniff)! Here’s a quick rundown, using our patented scoring system, of that game, for those of you who would rather read than view.
Press X to slash quick. Press Y to do so again. Slash the villains! All the villains! All the time! With your eyes closed! In a cave! Look at the villains! There they are! Cut them! Make them bleed! They’re everywhere! They’re annoying! Make them bleed! Use a magical dragon to deus ex your ass out of a tight situation and reap the rewards!
Yeah, that’s the gameplay in a nutshell. I could give it some more words, but really, button-mashing generic attacks with some quick-time prompts is the best that my fractured mind can come up with now.
Design and Presentation: 6/10
It doesn’t actually look too bad, although it’s filled with the usual Japanese design clichés, such as characters with flawless skin, more muscles present than a Tapout T-Shirt sale and a complete dismissal of decent voice-acting. Still, at least it runs smooth.
Around 6-8 hours of repetetive gameplay, complemented by a multiplayer mode, while not terrible, is far from perfect. Plus, you’ll be totally boss at making the following sound effects while you suffer through the “game”. Urrghhhh, Gaaaarrrggghhhh.Hrrrrrnnnnnggghhhhhh.
Sure, I’ve played worst games before. But as a Ninja Gaiden fan? I’ve never been more dissapointed. Maybe as a game on its own, it’s worth an angry weekend of play when nothing else is available.
But as a continuation of a fine legacy, built up over many years that gathered a hardcore base of fans around it? I’d rather take a dragon sword to the knee.
[Reviewed regrettably on X-Box 360, played on normal difficulty, with much gashing of the teeth]