You probably have no idea who Jeff B. Cohen – who has a lovely, if improperly spelt first name, by the way – is, but if you grew up in the 80’s you’ll undoubtedly remember him as the truffle-shuffling fat kid, Chunk, from the Goonies. Well, seems he’s become a hotshot entertainment lawyer since then, and a rather recondite one at that.

Looks like he’s representing all facets of the entertainment industry, as he’s dispensed legal advice to a few iconic video game characters. See if you can tell which game’s characters need advice from Chunk, Show Biz Lawyer Supreme:.

Dear Chunk, Attorney At Law,

What is your level of familiarity with antiquities laws? On my travels recently I may have "collected" a few dozen treasures that several governments, including those of Turkey and China, now want back. But what if I accidentally already sold them for some clothes and firearms?

Sincerely,
N. Drake

Dear N. DRAKE: I’m fairly knowledgeable on this subject. In my days as a chunky young boy, some friends and I used the five finger discount on a bit of pirate booty ourselves.

Trading ancient sacred artifacts for clothes is not usually a great idea. But, trading them for shotguns, grenades, tranquilizer dart guns and automatic weapons is usually a worse idea. I’m a bit puzzled how precisely you "collected" a few dozen treasures? Hopefully it did not involve these firearms you traded for. That would involve an entirely new set of legal calculations.

For any goodies you may have found in the United States, there are laws that prohibit the removal or prehistoric objects from federal or tribal land. Regarding anything you "collected" in Turkey or China, there will likely be problems under the National Stolen Property Act and the Archaeological Resources Protection Act, which are often used as legal mechanisms to protect cultural property taken from a foreign country. You might be subject to criminal prosecution for buying, selling or trading such items.

Also, please keep in mind that pissing off China is usually a mistake. They invented Kung Fu and have nuclear weapons. It is also generally a good idea to avoid legal entanglements with Turkey. Although it is a lovely country famous for its luxurious Turkish Baths it is also famous for its decidedly non-luxurious Turkish Prisons.

Dear Chunk, Attorney at Law,

Sadly, I need some advice on right-to-die statutes. For the past 20 years I have been trapped in a Central American jungle fighting aliens. I am so, so tired, Judge Chunk, of the shooting and the wounding and the hell all around me. Just when I think it is over, someone takes extraordinary measures to give me 30 more lives. Please, Judge Chunk, I only want death’s sweet, final, embrace.

Sincerely,
Lance

Me too.

Signed,
Bill

DEAR LANCE AND BILL: There is so much to live for. The sweet caress of your lover, the delicious taste of Rocky Road ice-cream AND an endless supply of reasonably priced internet pornography at the mere click of a mouse!

But, if I can’t talk you out of this drastic act, you are going to have a pretty tough time with legal suicide down in Central America, which is predominantly Roman Catholic and generally not a fan of this sort of thing. You may want to note that Uruguay recently passed a law allowing terminally ill patents to refuse life-prolonging treatment, so if you get shot-up, perhaps you can ask to be airlifted there.

If you were somehow able to get out of the jungle, and make it to Oregon, you might be able to get your wish under Oregon’s "Death With Dignity Act", which was challenged and upheld by the Supreme Court in 2006 in Gonzales v. Oregon. However, you will have to convince them you are a citizen of Oregon, diagnosed with a terminal illness that will kill you within 6 months. As this may be a difficult argument to make, I implore you, as it is written on George Michael’s T-Shirt in the immortal video for Wake Me Up Before You Go Go…CHOOSE LIFE!

Dear Chunk, Attorney At Law,

I’m being stalked by an amorous Italian plumber. Everywhere I go he eventually turns up. Recently he’s become quite violent, fighting friends and enemies in street brawls. What can I do?

Princess P.

Dear PRINCESS P: Given their agility at maneuvering through sewers and unfettered access to giant wrenches, violent plumbers can be quite dangerous.

I suggest you immediately go down to your local court house, file a few forms and get a temporary restraining order against this amorous plumber. In order to make this permanent, you will have to demonstrate to the judge that he has been violent, threatened violence, or harassed you or caused you substantial emotional distress in some way. Seeing that he is trying to prove his love for you by attacking giant lizards with hammers in front of your castle, you should have an easy time of making this argument.

You should be able to get an order preventing him from following you, stalking you and can even specify certain locations and other people that he needs to stay away from, such as your castle, Yoshi, etc…

Those were my favourites, there’s more over at Kotaku.