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In Other News – 23 April 2014

FIFA 14 Brazil World Cup Edition–Reviewed

Ride to Hell: Retribution is officially the worst game of 2013

ride_to_hell_retribution

When I think of 2013, I think of one great year in gaming. DMC: Devil May Cry, The Last of Us and GTA V were some such examples of the quality games that were released. That doesn’t mean that some rather less than stellar games didn’t make it to that annual stage however, with Ride to Hell: Retribution easily  being the worst of the lot. Six months ago we wondered if this game would be the top of a crap iceberg. We were right.

If you had to take a look at the rankings on score aggregate sites such as Metacritic and GameRankings, you’d notice that Ride To Hell: Retribution is at the very bottom of both those websites. In fact, the game holds a Metacritic score of just 13 from the four poor outlets that even bothered to review the game and a total of 0.9 from the 12 users who submitted their own reviews.

GameRankings is even less generous with the numbers, aggregating the reviews to give it a grand sum of 12 from five outlets. So how bad could it be? Destructoid called Ride to Hell a “sad little game made by sad little men”.

Sad little men who think it’s clever and grown up to shoehorn contextless drug collection and sex scenes into a game, because that’s what “mature” games do. Sad little men who haven’t met real human beings, if they think human beings talk, move, or even look like they do in this masterpiece of artistic indignity.

Official PlayStation Magazine in the UK could barely recommend the game to anyone, saying that it would only entertain “on the basis of the completely unintentional hilarity” and that it “even messes up a shot at so-bad-its-good status, and should be avoided like a racist with typhoid”.

Riding to actual Hell over 1000 miles of broken glass using your own scrotum as a toboggan would be more enjoyable.

Naturally, I am just dying to play this game myself, but every time I try and buy it off the Xbox store, my console decides to red ring of death itself in an attempt to escape such unwarranted punishment.

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Author:Darryn Bonthuys

Because he's the writer that Lazygamer deserves, but not the one it actually needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can't take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a loud-mouthed journalist, a watchful procrastinator. A dork knight.

  • Sir Rants A Lot Llew. Jelly!!!

    Eina. Those are some rough reviews

    • ToshZA

      Yeah, but you reap what you sow, they apparently made a terrible game, so deserve the rebuttals.

    • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

      Once you unleash a scrotum story in a review, there’s no turning back. You can never return to a point of innocence. Ride to Hell ruined not only the reputation of the developers and publishers but also ruined the innocence of a young reviewer.

  • Alien Emperor Trevor

    It’s the video game equivalent to Twilight?

    • ToshZA

      With Justin Bieber doing the sound track.

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        Don’t say that, Rince will swoon.

        • ToshZA

          I can do nothing but lol right now! too funny! :D

        • RinceThis2014

          You shut up! Just cus you find any reason to mention me doesn’t mean I feel the same way back! *truth

          • TiMsTeR1033

            can you un jumble the sentence? TEG A MOOR

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            So not denying what I said about swooning. #truthwillsetyoufree

          • Admiral Chief in Vegas

            LOOOL

          • RinceThis2014

            Starting to think it is you smitten with ol Trev! He could burp and you would lol :P

          • Weanerdog

            Nice sidestep you Bieber swooner, you.

          • RinceThis2014

            Le sigh, I expect new material people, NEW!

          • RinceThis2014

            PS. Why didn’t you join us this weekend?!

          • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

            Yeah Weaner, where were you? I at least had a valid excuse. I don’t exist. What’s your excuse? :P

          • Weanerdog

            I have a severe case of the poors :(

          • Admiral Chief in Vegas

            Don’t try your misdirection on me Rincey, you have been burned

          • RinceThis2014

            If you think your lover burned me with that lame comment I worry you are the one burned out… Perhaps too many comments? Mind you, today I should say too many random gifs of cats! Get back on form man, really :P or is on Trev better for you? HA! Tomorrow, I will judge you, least you think you are some god of us. You have no hold over gingers BOY, we have no soul.

          • Admiral Chief in Vegas

            We PC brothers band together to point and laugh at the peasants. And yes, no soul man, nou souuuuuul

    • SheHulkNigri

      Hey, at least Twilight had some redeeming qualities, like Anna Kendrick and her amazing rack, proof that a wooden plank can act and… and… NESSIE!!!

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        I’ve only ever seen her in Rapture-Palooza, quite enjoyed that.

        • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

          I had to google her… :/

    • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

      I am yet to finish the first Twilight. I just can’t. The ham acting gets me every time. It’s really a case study of how not to make a movie. Terrible script, terrible actors, terrible directing. And what gets me is that the tweens and 30- 40+ somethings love it.

      • Weanerdog

        I saw 20 minutes, I think I suffered enough.

        • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

          I don’t think it’s possible to watch more than 20 minutes (TBH)

          • Brian Murphy

            See the below comment, the MST3K guys have made many a terrible and unwatchable movie, highly entertaining.

      • Brian Murphy

        I hear it is MUCH MUCH easier, if you download the Rifftrax of all the twilight movies. Michael Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett make everything better.

  • Devourer of Small Bunnies

    Did the devs ever respond to the harsh criticisms? There was some pretty vile things said tbh. Curious

    • Hammersteyn

      LOL what would they say? Sorry, our bad, here’s a full refund?

      • Devourer of Small Bunnies

        Ag, maar just curious hey

        • Hammersteyn

          I think it’s like one of those times when a kid brings how a bad report card and just go to his room and wait for it to blow over.

          • Devourer of Small Bunnies

            Hahaha, thats a brilliant anaology

  • Anon A Mouse

    So what happened to The Ashes Cricket game then?

    • RinceThis2014

      DING DING!

    • http://www.twitter.com/WobblyOnion Exalted Overlord Geoffrey Tim

      It was recalled, and thus never actually released.

      • TiMsTeR1033

        Did this game actually make it to stores?

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          It’s on Steam. It can be yours for only $20.

          • TiMsTeR1033

            not even worth $1

      • Anon A Mouse

        But the truth is out there…

      • Vulcha

        It was released and THEN recalled, as I recall.

    • Weanerdog

      Don’t think anyone actually reviewed it.

  • Hammersteyn

    DMC? Really? I’m playing it now and it’s just meh. I downloaded it from PS+ but I don’t feel like playing it at all. When I do it’s just to rush through everything and get it over with. Yes that’s what she said.

    • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

      That’s why I haven’t bothered to download it. I played a bit of it at my counsin’s place, and I really wasn’t impressed.

  • Grant Hancock

    “Riding to actual Hell over 1000 miles of broken glass using your own scrotum as a toboggan would be more enjoyable.” Best game reviewer comment in history ! haha

    • That Tall Ork Norm

      That bad hey?

  • Umar digs KOS-MOS

    This game is an insult to gamers……

    • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

      It’s an insult to legitimate insults!

    • handeu haime

      not not just gamer but to all human being.. or every living thing in this galaxy aahaha

  • Umar digs KOS-MOS

    Also…DMC……..

    • Hammersteyn

      Yup

  • RinceThis2014

    Worse than A:CM? LIES!

    • Umar digs KOS-MOS

      Much worse…….Seriously. ACM is GOTY compared to this turd of a game

      • ToshZA

        Did you actually play it?

        • Umar digs KOS-MOS

          Hellz yeah, on PC. Had to see if it was really that bad

          • ToshZA

            Damn dude, wish I had money to waste like that. haha.

            At least its over now right? Been to the shrinks and such?

      • RinceThis2014

        How do you know? You didn’t BUY it did you?! 0-O Readies frying pan of doom.

        • Umar digs KOS-MOS

          Lol yup, on PC :)

          • RinceThis2014

            BANG!*

      • TiMsTeR1033

        now that is saying alot! apparently even the motorbike is silent in this game and having sex with women full clothed to cutscenes where beards pop in! I mean Beards for goodness sakes.. Why on earth would people make this I don’t know perhaps were tripping on coke, ecstasy and bath salts all at the same time!

        • Umar digs KOS-MOS

          And still ask so much for this game. Developers should be ashamed. Especially hyping this game up so much

          • TiMsTeR1033

            They Hyped it? where in porno mags?

          • Umar digs KOS-MOS

            It was going to be an open world Biker game that will let you live out your Biker fantasies…yeah right

          • TiMsTeR1033

            Biker fantasies… that says it all!

  • TiMsTeR1033

    DEEP SILVER should be shot! hell didn’t deep silver help make Dead island?

    • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

      I think Deep SIlver suffers from Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome. One second they seem ok. They even invite you out for a drink, and then next… they dump a pile of poop on your head, and steal your wallet.

      • TiMsTeR1033

        Amen brother amen!

  • TiMsTeR1033

    WARNING GAME MAY LEAD TO RANDOM BURSTS OF ANGER AND BRING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE.

  • Umar digs KOS-MOS

    • ElimiNathan

      Beat me to it :D

      • Umar digs KOS-MOS

        Lol one of his best

    • Hammersteyn

      LOL now I have to watch it again.

      • RinceThis2014

        It is so good! HAHAHA!

    • RinceThis2014

      damn you, not I AM watching it again!

    • General JJ Raven (John)

      This is great

      • RinceThis2014

        One of his best :)

        • General JJ Raven (John)

          Definitely

    • Hammersteyn

      I cant stop laughing at the sex scenes from 23:00 onwards

  • ElimiNathan

    LOL watch the Angry Joe Show video of worst games of 2013, this also came up as number 1 worst

  • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

    Whenever a game is universally panned, I have to fight the urge to play it. I can’t help it, I just want to see if it’s really that bad. My list of terrible games to play features the following: Star Trek, Ride to Hell Retribution, Activision’s Walking Dead, Aliens CM and Call of Duty Ghosts.

    • TiMsTeR1033

      COD ghosts isn’t gonna make you cringe.

    • Grant Hancock

      Argghghh that Walking Dead game was terrible !

    • Weanerdog

      I kinda want to get my hands on Ashes Cricket 2013 for the same reason.

      • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

        lol, I was thinking the exact same thing. Did you see the video with the fielders scurrying after the ball. lol it makes me laugh every time.

        • Weanerdog

          The one where they take 9 to short leg yes I love it

  • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

    DMC was one of the good games? I never would have thought. I kind of ignored it because it just seemed so soulless, and so eager to please the under-13 crowd.

    • Umar digs KOS-MOS

      Praise the Banana!!!

      • RinceThis2014

        You mean the kilobyte? Tehehehe

        • Umar digs KOS-MOS

          Lol he is real dammit, he will become a real boy!

          • RinceThis2014

            Lies! @JimLenoir:disqus fails the
            Voight-Kampff test!

  • http://www.lazygamer.net Gavin Mannion

    I have to play this game

    • SheHulkNigri

      Strangely enough, so do I…

  • Major Commodore 64 Darryn B

    I genuinely do want to play this game. But I just can’t justify the cost of paying to do so.

    • Brenz

      likewise, I would love to see how bad it is, but refuse to pay for it

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