When I think of 2013, I think of one great year in gaming. DMC: Devil May Cry, The Last of Us and GTA V were some such examples of the quality games that were released. That doesn’t mean that some rather less than stellar games didn’t make it to that annual stage however, with Ride to Hell: Retribution easily being the worst of the lot. Six months ago we wondered if this game would be the top of a crap iceberg. We were right.
If you had to take a look at the rankings on score aggregate sites such as Metacritic and GameRankings, you’d notice that Ride To Hell: Retribution is at the very bottom of both those websites. In fact, the game holds a Metacritic score of just 13 from the four poor outlets that even bothered to review the game and a total of 0.9 from the 12 users who submitted their own reviews.
GameRankings is even less generous with the numbers, aggregating the reviews to give it a grand sum of 12 from five outlets. So how bad could it be? Destructoid called Ride to Hell a “sad little game made by sad little men”.
Sad little men who think it’s clever and grown up to shoehorn contextless drug collection and sex scenes into a game, because that’s what “mature” games do. Sad little men who haven’t met real human beings, if they think human beings talk, move, or even look like they do in this masterpiece of artistic indignity.
Official PlayStation Magazine in the UK could barely recommend the game to anyone, saying that it would only entertain “on the basis of the completely unintentional hilarity” and that it “even messes up a shot at so-bad-its-good status, and should be avoided like a racist with typhoid”.
Riding to actual Hell over 1000 miles of broken glass using your own scrotum as a toboggan would be more enjoyable.
Naturally, I am just dying to play this game myself, but every time I try and buy it off the Xbox store, my console decides to red ring of death itself in an attempt to escape such unwarranted punishment.
Because he's the writer that Lazygamer deserves, but not the one it actually needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can't take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a loud-mouthed journalist, a watchful procrastinator. A dork knight.