Man, how did it come to this? I was reviewing the big games. Battlefield: Hardline. Dragon Ball XenoVerse. Freakin’ DLC if I felt like it. And then this fell on my lap. A mobile game. A mobile game starring a cooking show host who happened to be more annoying than that factory where all the suicidal Pauly Shore clones are grown. Paula Deen Recipe Quest. I’ve fallen and I can’t get back up.
Oh crap, what is this? It’s like staring at Papa Smurf’s granny. Only with an unending smile and anime eyes. This is probably not a good idea. Okay, let’s get this crap over with. Here we go.
It’s like the map from Plants vs Zombies 2, except I might favour having my grey matter chewed on more instead of baking. Y’all.
I’ll f***ing match your eggs and sugar. I’ll play your game. How hard can it be? It’s not like I’m digitally lactose-intolerant…
And now I wish I had an allergy to dairy products, after hearing digital Paula Deen giggle. This is wrong. This is about as wrong as a hotel that caters to Japanese businessmen sexual fantasies while looping Avril Lavigne’s Hello Kitty song non-stop while the world burns. Who did I piss off to land this gig? Why can’t I remember dammit? What are these various tattoos trying to tell me?
One level down. I can do this. I can freakin’ do this. Okay, chicken divan dish next. It looks like somebody flattened a pizza and scraped it into a casserole dish, but let’s do this.
That’s not chicken. That’s deep-fried brain pieces of brain. And who puts brain next to broccoli? What kind of lunatic designed this game? Why can I feel my mind slipping even further? I swear, this game has so much banjo music in the background that I can feel Deliverance 2 being greenlit.
That laugh. That damn laugh. Every level ends with Paulatron giggling away. Who hates humanity so much, to do this to them?
You will not beat me Paula Deen. I know your game. I will defeat you. I WILL DEFEAT YOU!
I’m not down yet Deenthulu! All these people who’ve lived in terror of you and your judgement? All these people whose ancestors devoted themselves, sacrificed themselves, to you. Can you hear them singing? Oh, you like to thing you’re a god. But you’re not a god. You’re just a parasite eaten out with jealousy and envy and longing for the lives of others. You feed on them. On the memory of love and loss and birth and death and joy and sorrow. So, come on, then!
TAKE MY FREEMIUM APPS!
But I hope you’ve got a big appetite, because I have lived a long life and I have seen a few things.
I walked away from the last Great Console War. I marked the passing of the Sega Lords. I saw the birth of the new-gen and I watched as game designers ran out, moment by moment, until nothing remained. No time. No space. No free DLC. Just me. I walked in games where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a mad man. I’ve watched franchises freeze and long-running game series burn. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. I have lost save games that you will never understand.
And I know things. Secret easter eggs that must never be told. Knowledge of hidden game levels that must never be spoken. Knowledge that will make freemium game chefs blaze. So come on, then. Take it! Take it all!
I give up. I’m beaten. My soul is dead. The Paula Deen, has won.
Wait, what’s this? I can’t proceed past level 14, without paying for the rest of the stages? Ordinarily, I’d consider this a loss. Today however, I’m making an exception. FREEDOM!
Last Updated: March 18, 2015
Umar
March 18, 2015 at 12:34
XD XD XD
Darryn touched Paula Deen’s Level Star, Darryn touched Paula Deen’s Level Star~ 😀
Geoffrey Tim
March 18, 2015 at 12:37
THAT LAUGH
Viking Of Science
March 18, 2015 at 12:37
How racist is the gameplay though?
Sageville
March 18, 2015 at 12:38
That feature unlocks at level 15.
Dutch Matrix
March 18, 2015 at 12:42
There is no recipe for Black Pudding…
Hammersteyn
March 18, 2015 at 12:52
Was gonna go there but you’re first XD
Sageville
March 18, 2015 at 12:37
Her recipes:
10 – 20 x large blocks of butter.
1 x Stuff to give butter additional flavor.
Umar
March 18, 2015 at 12:42
http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Did+you+say+butter+because+butter_363b2f_3202551.jpg
Hammersteyn
March 18, 2015 at 12:59
But her face O_o
Corrie
March 18, 2015 at 12:39
Okay seriously someone over their needs to have a discussion with Darryn and his…habits….my word how does one subject themselves to such torture…I mean first it’s that more plastic than cheap toys kardashian game now this.
Nintendo what have you done?
Kensei Seraph
March 18, 2015 at 12:50
Hahahahaha.
Darryn, you need to go play a real game now.
Just be careful, anything more intense than noughts and crosses might cause some severe mental backlash after this… thing.
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 18, 2015 at 12:52
Why is there no review score? How am I supposed to know if this is objectively a better game than say, Ori and the Blind Forest, without one? Do I have to read it? 🙁
RinceThis
March 18, 2015 at 13:16
Lazy journalizms!
Dutch Matrix
March 18, 2015 at 13:16
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Pariah
March 18, 2015 at 13:31
No score = assume 0/10. Or 0%. Or 0 stars. Perhaps Geoff didn’t see that in Darryn’s copy, so he just left it out.
Geoffrey Tim
March 18, 2015 at 15:29
I asked about scoring, Darryn said he wasn’t mentally prepared to give one. We wanted to give it 19 sticks of butter out of lard.
Brady miaau
March 18, 2015 at 12:52
I dunno, I just skipped to the bottom. No score, no summary? Who must I know if I am supposed to avoid this or really, really avoid this?
Blood Emperor Trevor
March 18, 2015 at 12:52
lol snap
Brady miaau
March 18, 2015 at 12:52
indeed
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ReaperOfSquirrels
March 18, 2015 at 12:54
Another game scoring NOPE/10!
Hammersteyn
March 18, 2015 at 12:57
http://memecreator.eu/media/created/5gwh72.jpg
Umar
March 18, 2015 at 12:58
The fact that the game title contains the word ‘Quest’ is hilarious. “Knights! Join me on this quest to obtain Excalibutter!!”
Hammersteyn
March 18, 2015 at 12:58
Crush was trademarked by King
Umar
March 18, 2015 at 12:59
So ‘Quest’ is the next best thing? lol
Hammersteyn
March 18, 2015 at 13:00
Until King releases a game with Quest in the name. Then their lawyers can spend all the money made from MT
ReaperOfSquirrels
March 18, 2015 at 13:01
They can’t use Saga either… because King
Umar
March 18, 2015 at 13:03
So there we have it, the new word shall be quest 😀 Kim K’s sequel is gonna be called big booty quest.
Ranting Raptor
March 18, 2015 at 13:29
Hahahahahahaha
Excalibutter!!!
RinceThis
March 18, 2015 at 13:12
What special crime did you do to have to review this Darryn?!
Pariah
March 18, 2015 at 13:13
Matty is no longer interning for them. It was a clear choice.
RinceThis
March 18, 2015 at 13:16
What about Sandy? He’s greener than a moldy leprechaun!
Pariah
March 18, 2015 at 13:30
Sandy might enjoy it though, therein lies the problem.
CaptainNemo42
March 18, 2015 at 13:12
I cannot stand this woman. She annoys the crap out of me.
Question though. What is any form of veg doing in the game?
Ranting Raptor
March 18, 2015 at 13:26
This article made me smile. Perhaps even… giggle….
Ryanza
March 18, 2015 at 13:30
Is Paula Deen not that racist bitch. What is this, Paula Deen’s Nigger Pie.
Ryanza
March 18, 2015 at 13:42
Life was a good movie.
Jingalin’ Jingalin’. R.I.P Bernie Mac.
hubble19
March 18, 2015 at 13:31
What an emotive, captivating review! My soul struggled with yours every step of the way and I shredded my box of tissues.
I will avoid this like Ebola diarrhea.
Ranting Raptor
March 18, 2015 at 13:33
The only thing gingers fear:
Hammersteyn
March 18, 2015 at 14:00
Looks like a cross between Martha Stewart and the Witcher
hubble19
March 18, 2015 at 15:22
That teeth must be fake. No normal woman her age has teeth that white and even. Also, WAY too much eyeliner. The Witcher is prettier.
Dean
March 18, 2015 at 13:52
And through all this, you still had the clarity of mind to pop in a wibbly wobbly timey wimey reference in there.
Kikmi
March 18, 2015 at 14:24
LOL. Life of a reviewer isn’t always peaches and ram sticks neh
Pariah
March 18, 2015 at 15:58
BUTTER STICKS. GET IT RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!
Jerrod Maruyama Illustration
March 22, 2015 at 20:43
Do you see any similarities between her app character and my caricature from 2012? Such a shame! https://www.flickr.com/photos/jmaruyama/6732139427/
Geoffrey Tim
March 23, 2015 at 06:43
That’s a little more than a passing similarity.