It was a hot Jozi day when Geoff called me into his office, as he sat there sweating away in his leather chair, slowly fusing to it. “Brenda”, he said while I slowly gritted my teeth hard enough to crack some fillings, “I’ve got a game for you to review. In fact, you’re the only sub-humanoid on the team I can trust with this. Are you bronie enough for a freemium game by the name of…My Little Pony?” I looked Geoff straight in the nipples, and replied with a steely “You know I am”, before I proceeded to take a hard swig of tea with only two spoons of sugar in it from my She-Ra: Princess of power mug. “You damn well know I am, Geofferoo”. What followed next, was the darkest couple of hours of my life.
Before I began to play, I decided to do some homework. After I’d finished my history assignment on Vietcong torture methods during the Vietnam war, for which I was certain that I’d get a gold star the following day, I did some research on the cult of the Pony. According to internet sources, My Little Pony is an animated cartoon that has somehow enslaved millions of grown men through some sort of fiendish subliminal mental programming. Various ponies exist in this universe, such as the magically-inclined Twilight Sparkle who might be attempting to bridge the gap between our dimensions, or the polite Fluttershy, a pony that protects her habit of slaughtering forest animals with a shy exterior. I think.
There’s a cult out there, dedicated to these equine gods, much like Daniel Radcliffe and his penis were enchanted in that play Equuis. The cult of the Bronie is indeed strong and powerful, perhaps strong enough to even rival the famed branches of Scientologists out there. Note to self: If the worst comes to pass, find a way to make the Xenu-sniffers go to war with the Pony-lovers.
With a hit TV show corrupting the minds of children and men, it was only a matter of time until a new medium was chosen to spread the gospel. With Steve Jobs having successfully completed his mission to create a hardware platform that almost everyone wanted or owned some variant of, he was allowed to transcend onto a higher iPlane of iExistence. With the power of Apple and their iStuff on their side, the ponies then next emerged in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic the game.
A free game of sorts, My Little Pony instructs players to build for them a civilisation wherein they can further plot the destruction of all mankind. The remaining guardian of mankind, Nightmare Moon has attempted to stop the Ponykrieg by imprisoning their entire land in the phantom zone, but with the iPad and iPhone equipped militia of the Bronies, this is a temporary measure at best.
The Bronies are building for their cutie-mark masters, reconstructing their base of operations, egged on by an original voice cast and what appears to be an enslaved Spyro the dragon. Build they say, recreate our kingdom, and do it quickly while engaging in some mini-games blatantly copied from other successful franchises!
Twilight Sparkle believes that her dark prison can be destroyed with a super-weapon made from love and friendship, or in layman terms, beating hearts and severed hands. Right? I don’t know, I have no idea how to read this text, and I’m pretty certain that I might be drunk on that half a glass of JC Le Roux that I chugged when I wrote this report up.
Anyway, Twilight Sparkle demands that you build her this land of bread shops and mansions, while summoning her dark brethren such as Pinkie Pie and Applejack to unlock further torments. These tortures take time though, time that could be better spent buying tokens which can unlock more avenues of destruction and pony-flavoured chaos.
Spyro Spike constantly hungers for these tokens, as he demands that you feed him such real-money purchases in order to speed up his construction of reality-bridging devices. Or everypony will suffer. The more you spend, the more ponies will join the apocalyptic army of accurately voiced demons in cute 2D animation.
There’s not much more to say at this point. The ponies are coming, I can feel it. The bronie army on this side is established, and when Twilight Sparkle breaks down the barriers between our world, Outworld, a few parallel dimensions and that limbo universe that is powered by the souls of dead chickens from KFC, we’ll be doomed by the Anti-money equation of this game.
My Little Pony: Friendship is magic cannot be contained with mere words. Twilight Sparkle and her legions are coming. Your soul is a review score to them. Nothing will stop them. Only those of us who are willing to submit and welcome our new equistrian overlords will be spared.
So for that very practical reason of survival, I’m awarding the game an unprecedented pony out of ten, making it game of the month, year, decade and epoch. Oh my various gods, I am a grown sort of man playing a Pony game. ALL HAIL THE PONIES!
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Because he's the writer that Lazygamer deserves, but not the one it actually needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can't take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a loud-mouthed journalist, a watchful procrastinator. A dork knight.