Every so often, we get a weird game on our doorstep that can’t be played with a conventional train of thought. That’s when people come to me. And usually pay me off with some cheap scotch. These are the Johnny Walker-throughs. And today, we’re attempting heart transplants and organ removals.
Surgeon Simulator 2013 is what happens when people watch too much Grey’s Anatomy, fast forward through the sex and believe that owning a DVD boxset makes them a master surgeon. You play the game as the disembodied arm from the cousin Thing family probably, ready to save lives, or horribly f$%# up at a moments notice.
Lets look at two of the operations, and how to do them.
There’s a fresh victim on your slab, and it’s time to start cutting! The first thing you’ve got to do with Enrique over there (I renamed him), is to gently stroke his face. Gently now, geeeeently. Shhh shhh sweet-cheeks, I won’t allow any bad things to happen to you. Your cheeks are so soft, so soft.
Next, pull that tarp off of this land-whale. Look at all those organs. Beating with their sexy slipperiness. I want to grab them and squish them forever and ever. But to do that, I need to get past the amber alert of evolution, the rib cage.
To the right of Enrique is a magnificent pizza slicer, grab that. Now cut yourself, because life is bad, the Andromeda Galaxy is going to wipe out our solar system in a few billion years and because I just saw an advert on TV about how Mandela’s grandkids are comparing themselves to the Kardassians.
Now start slicing open that rib cage. Look at the bits of bone that fall in. Magnificent, like the tears of my former superhero sidekick Quadruple-Jack. Once you’ve done that, take that nasty rib cage, put it on the face of Enrique and pretend that he’s Shao Kahn. Now punch him, because Shao Kahn is a dick.
Now look at what your handiwork has wrought. A vast cavity filled with wonderful organs. Rip those lungs out. Only losers need oxygen. And rip his stomach out as well. Enrique looks fat as it is. You’ll notice that you have something pink and fleshy left over, so grab a scalpel, and slice those arteries. Remove the pink organ. It might be a spleen.
Then cut the arteries out of that stupid beating heart that is left over. Take it out, break it and pretend that it’s your own heart after that girl in third grade called you McStupidPants. Stupid Suzy, I’ll never forgive you.
Now grab that heart to the right of you in the container, slam dunk it in and hey presto! You’ve just saved a life! Ignore the fact that there is blood everywhere, that you feel incredibly guilty and that Enrique isn’t breathing anymore. He’s just resting. Tell that to his wife and kids. They’ll believe you, because you;re a doctor and screw them.
Oh Tali, why won’t you love me? And why do I have a restraining order from the cosplay booth at Mass Effect-Con 2013? Screw it, I’ll just perform some more surgery and TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALI!
Ok, what the hell do we have here? You’re not Enrique, but I won’t tell if you don’t tell. Let me slip insidie your chest cavity and see what we have here.
I’ve seen bigger. Ok, I’m going to need to yank that stomach-penis out, so lets start by getting rid of that bone. I will rebuild you. I will make you better, stronger and faster but without spending too much cash, because your medical aid sucks.
Next, grab that gunblade on the left. Now slice those organs out. Slice them out of Enrique 2.0. Intestines are bad, according to my Sunday School. Intestines are the tools of the devil, and they’ll make you dip into such deviant behaviour like holding hands and respecting women.
With Enrique Deux successfully butchered, you can now rip out his organs and give him a squishy necklace. He’ll love you for doing that, because it’s the thought that counts. Now stick your hand in Enrique Twee and shove it in hard and deep. Rip out all those extra organs, until you get to the kidneys.
See those? They’re filled with peepee. I’m half-German, so that doesn’t disgust me, it just arouses me. Rip em out, grab the two spares that I took from a dead German Shepard dog and drunk hobo, and throw ‘em in.
Congratulations, you just saved Enrique Beta. Now go flog his spares on the black market, because I’m out of scotch and there’s no way that I can continue doing this under sober conditions.
Surgeon Simulator 2013 is out now on Steam for under $10. Alcohol not included. Unless you huff the stuff in the surgery.