Johnny Walkerthrough – Surgeon Simulator 2013 
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Darryn Bonthuys
April 24, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Like a surgeon

Every so often, we get a weird game on our doorstep that can’t be played with a conventional train of thought. That’s when people come to me. And usually pay me off with some cheap scotch. These are the Johnny Walker-throughs. And today, we’re attempting heart transplants and organ removals.

The Game

I am good

Surgeon Simulator 2013 is what happens when people watch too much Grey’s Anatomy, fast forward through the sex and believe that owning a DVD boxset makes them a master surgeon. You play the game as the disembodied arm from the cousin Thing family probably, ready to save lives, or horribly f$%# up at a moments notice.

Lets look at two of the operations, and how to do them.

Heart Transplant

Surgeon1

There’s a fresh victim on your slab, and it’s time to start cutting! The first thing you’ve got to do with Enrique over there (I renamed him), is to gently stroke his face. Gently now, geeeeently. Shhh shhh sweet-cheeks, I won’t allow any bad things to happen to you. Your cheeks are so soft, so soft.

Surgeon2

Next, pull that tarp off of this land-whale. Look at all those organs. Beating with their sexy slipperiness. I want to grab them and squish them forever and ever. But to do that, I need to get past the amber alert of evolution, the rib cage.

To the right of Enrique is a magnificent pizza slicer, grab that. Now cut yourself, because life is bad, the Andromeda Galaxy is going to wipe out our solar system in a few billion years and because I just saw an advert on TV about how Mandela’s grandkids are comparing themselves to the Kardassians.

Now start slicing open that rib cage. Look at the bits of bone that fall in. Magnificent, like the tears of my former superhero sidekick Quadruple-Jack. Once you’ve done that, take that nasty rib cage, put it on the face of Enrique and pretend that he’s Shao Kahn. Now punch him, because Shao Kahn is a dick.

Surgeon3

Now look at what your handiwork has wrought. A vast cavity filled with wonderful organs. Rip those lungs out. Only losers need oxygen. And rip his stomach out as well. Enrique looks fat as it is. You’ll notice that you have something pink and fleshy left over, so grab a scalpel, and slice those arteries. Remove the pink organ. It might be a spleen.

Surgeon4

Then cut the arteries out of that stupid beating heart that is left over. Take it out, break it and pretend that it’s your own heart after that girl in third grade called you McStupidPants. Stupid Suzy, I’ll never forgive you.

Surgeon5

Now grab that heart to the right of you in the container, slam dunk it in and hey presto! You’ve just saved a life! Ignore the fact that there is blood everywhere, that you feel incredibly guilty and that Enrique isn’t breathing anymore. He’s just resting. Tell that to his wife and kids. They’ll believe you, because you;re a doctor and screw them.

Surgeon6

Kidney Transplant

Surgeon7

Oh Tali, why won’t you love me? And why do I have a restraining order from the cosplay booth at Mass Effect-Con 2013? Screw it, I’ll just perform some more surgery and TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALI!

Ok, what the hell do we have here? You’re not Enrique, but I won’t tell if you don’t tell. Let me slip insidie your chest cavity and see what we have here.

Surgeon8

I’ve seen bigger. Ok, I’m going to need to yank that stomach-penis out, so lets start by getting rid of that bone. I will rebuild you. I will make you better, stronger and faster but without spending too much cash, because your medical aid sucks.

Surgeon9

Next, grab that gunblade on the left. Now slice those organs out. Slice them out of Enrique 2.0. Intestines are bad, according to my Sunday School. Intestines are the tools of the devil, and they’ll make you dip into such deviant behaviour like holding hands and respecting women.

Surgeon10

With Enrique Deux successfully butchered, you can now rip out his organs and give him a squishy necklace. He’ll love you for doing that, because it’s the thought that counts. Now stick your hand in Enrique Twee and shove it in hard and deep. Rip out all those extra organs, until you get to the kidneys.

See those? They’re filled with peepee. I’m half-German, so that doesn’t disgust me, it just arouses me. Rip em out, grab the two spares that I took from a dead German Shepard dog and drunk hobo, and throw ‘em in.

Surgeon11

Congratulations, you just saved Enrique Beta. Now go flog his spares on the black market, because I’m out of scotch and there’s no way that I can continue doing this under sober conditions.

Surgeon Simulator 2013 is out now on Steam for under $10. Alcohol not included. Unless you huff the stuff in the surgery.

Because he's the writer that Lazygamer deserves, but not the one it actually needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can't take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a loud-mouthed journalist, a watchful procrastinator. A dork knight.

  • Deon Steyn

    What happened to the surgeons watch?

    • http://www.youtube.com/koldfu5ion Devon Stanton

      and why does he not have any gloves!

      • http://www.lazygamer.co Gavin Mannion

        Alcohol is a disinfectant.. I’m sure it’s fine

    • Admiral Chief Erwin

      O_O and double O_O

    • Admiral Chief Erwin

      I actually have a joke about a watch doing vanishing act, but its quite dirty

      • Deon Steyn

        Mwahaha, he would really need gloves for that.

      • Sageville

        If only it was a joke….

  • Rincethis: Beeralicious

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! Well done, sir, well done! Last time I laughed that hard it was when I read an article about someone farting on a spoilt kids head. 99% Life recharge.

  • Admiral Chief Erwin

    WHERE IS THE EFFING HEART?????????

    • Deon Steyn

      I think it’s next to his ear, last pic

    • Rincethis: Beeralicious

      Heart, who needs a heart! All women will do is tear the thing out, and replace it with the truth that love doesn’t exist!

      • Admiral Chief Erwin

        There there Rince, you will find love again.

        Here, you can stare at this Tshirt to make you feel better-er

        • Rincethis: Beeralicious

          YOU Bastard! Troll level 1000000

          • Admiral Chief Erwin

            XDXDXD

        • Rincethis: Beeralicious

          YES, I DID!

          • Sageville

            /facepalm

          • Rincethis: Beeralicious

            Le win!

  • Spathi

    Excellent work doctor Bonthuys! You are a inspiration to us all!

  • TiMsTeR 1033

    This games controls are so bad its a joke, sure you can do a surgery if you can even pick up anything. Its as if you have no grip, not movement using keyboard for fingers, I mean seriously now games a joke. If controls were useable then would be fun.

  • IronHelix

    Bwahahahaha!!!! OMG! I really needed to laugh this hard! Thanks, oh sooo thanks for that, Darryn!

    Now, where to find a “willing” victim…errr….test subject to test all this out on? :/

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Paul-Fouche/627282362 Paul Fouche

    whahahahahahahah!!! brilliant.. just brilliant

  • DED

    IT’S SO ASDBH,HJGSDUCG SDYUCGSDYUI WANT TO FREAKIN KILL MYSELF!!!!