It’s June 15. You’re watching the final press conference of the day, with Sony nailing just about every announcement. And then, you hear it. That unmistakeable melody. That signature look. Holy crap, could it be? Have I once again swallowed way too many pills again?
No, no I haven’t. It’s all real. It’s not a dream. Final Fantasy 7, is coming back. The audience was in tears, fans were screaming and Sony was grinning like a politician with a slapped wrist. A full-on remake is on the cards, with Final Fantasy 7 being reborn and joining the modern world of games.
But it’s going to need to be more than just the same old game, tarted up with high definition visuals and left to wander unattended if it’s going to succeed. Here at the Lazygamer Think Tank, we’ve come up with seven original ideas, on how Final Fantasy 7 can be a contemporary champion.
1. Delay game into to Q1 2017. Then again into Q3 2017.
Games are hard to make on schedule anymore. But delays are better than a broken game, right? So you might have to wait an extra month, or maybe a year, before you get your hands on the title. Don’t worry, they promise it’ll be worth the wait.
2. Launch a broken game. Release day-one patch to fix it, causing new bugs. Pull retail release.
Promises mean nothing! Like every other modern game, it must launch with major glitches and issues. Never fear, the developers have a day-one patch to fix it that is “only” 30GB. Until it’s all better, the retail release is pulled from store shelves.
3. Game requires always online component. PSN crashes.
Single player games need the internet to use the almighty power of The Cloud (pun intended I suppose). Not that the PSN can handle it…
4. Include exclusive pre-order Summon DLC. Microtransactions to include extra Phoenix Downs and Elixirs.
Pre-order now for an exclusive Bahamut summon (only available at select retailers). Struggling to beat Sephiroth? Feel free to make use of our moogle delivery service to get extra items (for a nominal fee of course).
5. Save Aerith DLC
Fans will be expecting that iconic scene this time around, but it’s one that they don’t need to shed a single tear over anymore! A brand new DLC could make the flower lady playable right up the finale by the power of an almighty revive or Phoenix Down (otherwise known as a credit card in this example).
That or Square Enix could flesh out the story even more via additional content, providing a major plot twist that nobody saw coming… for another small fee.
6. Materia orb hunt and Sephiroth audio logs
What’s a modern game without collectibles? Plus, it gives us the perfect opportunity to hear Sephiroth scream “MOOOOOTHER!”. Be sure to sync your map often from waypoints so that all the hidden items appear on your mini-map.
7. All new asymmetrical multiplayer
Play with or against your friends with this all new mode. Team up against enemies from Shinra, or take on the role of Jenova to obliterate your pals. Guaranteed to ruin friendships and working relationships.
8. Bugger everything above, turf the game and remake Final Fantasy 8 instead
Seriously, Final Fantasy 7 can die in a fire. It’s overrated, you’re viewing this through a rose-tinted nostalgia welding helmet and Final Fantasy 8 is far superior in every single way that can’t be compared to Final Fantasy 6 or 9. According to me, I’m 3 000 000 000% right on this.
Last Updated: July 8, 2015
Alien Emperor Trevor
July 8, 2015 at 15:04
Wow. If FF8 is better than 7, 7 must be kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak.
Also, make it a timed-exclusive on the Xbone.
DarthDiggler
July 8, 2015 at 22:07
@disqus_DoEH3TsffU:disqus
No DreamCast. 🙂
Aaron Lucas
July 9, 2015 at 22:02
*Turbo Grafx 16
kuuu(UMAR)rrrr
July 8, 2015 at 15:07
I despise every single staff member of Lazygamer for concocting such a ludicrous article. You should ALL GET IN THE SEA!
Alien Emperor Trevor
July 8, 2015 at 15:10
Because everything’s better down where it’s wetter? O_o
kuuu(UMAR)rrrr
July 8, 2015 at 15:21
I’m only replying now because I didn’t understand your comment until you fixed it 😛
Alien Emperor Trevor
July 8, 2015 at 15:24
That explains most of my human interaction. :/
kuuu(UMAR)rrrr
July 8, 2015 at 15:33
Awww *hugs*
Alien Emperor Trevor
July 8, 2015 at 15:56
EEK! Human contact!
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 17:55
He’s not 100% human though
Alien Emperor Trevor
July 8, 2015 at 18:38
He’s the Million Dollar Umar – stonger, faster, tentaclier.
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 15:10
I “sea” what you did there.
Admiral Chief's Adventure
July 8, 2015 at 15:12
Arrrrr
Dean
July 8, 2015 at 16:42
Water you on about??
Dutch Matrix
July 8, 2015 at 15:51
Why you ignore me on Twitter? I thoughts we were friendz… You make Dutch a saddy…
kuuu(UMAR)rrrr
July 8, 2015 at 18:28
Awww, sorry. Trying to lessen my Twitter usage for a lil bit…too much kak on there 🙁
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 15:12
XD
http://cdn.slashgear.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/waits-820×420.jpg
Admiral Chief's Adventure
July 8, 2015 at 15:12
Hahahaha dat BadnewsBonthuys pic!
Admiral Chief's Adventure
July 8, 2015 at 15:15
Wonder what Llew has to say about this?
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 15:22
XD
Kromas,powered by windows 10.
July 8, 2015 at 15:31
Make it an MMO!!!
Geoffrey Tim
July 8, 2015 at 15:37
needs moar fetch quests.
Nikola
July 9, 2015 at 09:43
Yesss that would make it 10/10 without a doubt:)
Ottokie
July 8, 2015 at 15:32
http://i.imgur.com/WlecVPf.gif
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 15:32
hahaha
kuuu(UMAR)rrrr
July 8, 2015 at 15:33
Hahaha Save Aerith DLC……..URRRGH
Ottokie
July 8, 2015 at 15:33
I cringed so hard
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 17:55
Aerith dies instead of survives DLC. Sold out day one
Ottokie
July 8, 2015 at 15:42
“It’s overrated, you’re viewing this through a rose-tinted nostalgia welding helmet”
Challenge Accepted! (F5)
Dutch Matrix
July 8, 2015 at 15:49
Whatever happened to the Boyband Final Fantasy game that had Umar all orgasmic for months on end?
Michael Matusowsky
July 8, 2015 at 16:19
This was the worst shit post I have ever read. What the fuck. I thought it was going to be a legit list not a fucking click bait article with bullshit. No seriously fuck whoever made the decision to green light this article. It’s fucking trash and I’m angry because I expect better quality shit posts than this drivel. Christ.
kuuu(UMAR)rrrr
July 8, 2015 at 17:54
Lol cool it…nothing wrong with a bit of fun.
Hammersteyn
July 8, 2015 at 17:56
http://littlefun.org/uploads/5230b84de691b237277d6b72_736.jpg
Nathaniel
July 8, 2015 at 16:52
Final Fantasy 7 is going to be awesome no matter what you say. A lot of us have been waiting for this for a while now so they better deliver.
Swiss Superman 2.0
July 9, 2015 at 15:24
DLC extravaganza!!!
DiegoZicoB
July 8, 2015 at 19:45
I was expecting a legit article. This is playground level humour. Must have really needed an extra article to fill today’s quota?
Womble619
July 8, 2015 at 20:17
Yeah… it was clear the writer was trying to be funny and well… it failed
Vulcha
July 8, 2015 at 22:51
I don’t know why everyone is hating on this article. Why can’t you guys have a little fun now and then? I found it funny. I reckon the fanboys just take their nostalgia way too seriously.
Damien Davis
July 8, 2015 at 23:16
Author, you have got to be one of the most spiteful idiots on the internet.
Stop wasting people’s time with a subject header that has nothing to do with the shit you’re writing. Fucking asshole.
Swiss Superman 2.0
July 9, 2015 at 01:58
I like both FF8 and FF7 equally.
What I hate is this new “lets fu*k with the battle system and eventually turn it into a 3rd person shooter” game mentality Square has seemed to take recently with XIII up until XV. I tried Lighting Returns. I really tried to get into it but couldn’t. I HATE the battle system and how they have to emo up all the male characters. My last FF game I’ve bought that I’ve enjoyed has been FF12.
What I’m afraid is not them altering the story, in fact, I’d like for them to stream line it with the other releases (the movie and 2 other games) I just don’t want them f*cking with the battle system and I will flat out refuse to buy the FF7 remake if the game has a sh*t ton of DLC bullsh*t.
Nikola
July 9, 2015 at 09:45
I agree 100% I just want my freaking turn based battle system like in 8 and 7 this new rubish just doesnt do the game justice why change something that was soo good!
Mabenito
July 9, 2015 at 08:15
My first FF/RGP experience was FF8 on PSone. Last Disc has scratch and it took me forever to finish. But I was rewarded with LionHeart sword for my patience (without using a walkthrough). PS was still a myth in my community back then.
Nikola
July 9, 2015 at 09:45
Same dude FF8 on PSone put sooo many hours into that game:)
Kensei Seraph - Terran Ghost
July 9, 2015 at 09:47
My first was FFVI on a SNES emulator.
Nikola
July 9, 2015 at 09:43
hahahahahahahaha best article I read in a looong time LOL!
Kensei Seraph - Terran Ghost
July 9, 2015 at 09:46
Thanks for the laughs.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v70/anonymooo/laughingtidus_zps21f46181.gif
Ottokie
July 9, 2015 at 09:56
Best couple of the whole franchise, even thought they laugh better in Japanese 😛
Aaron Lucas
July 9, 2015 at 22:03
At first I wanted to tell the author to F off, but then I realized the intent. Good one, you had me going!
Lucht S
July 9, 2015 at 23:16
Sadly this article is more useful than all the others ones that try to suggest changes to the game.
Hops
July 10, 2015 at 16:44
didn’t really like ff8…
Joey Copenhaver
July 10, 2015 at 23:20
You’re a fucking imbecile. This may be an attempt at satire, but this article is a complete joke in and of itself.