Home Entertainment Movies out Today: 02 December 2016

Movies out Today: 02 December 2016

3 min read
100

MOANA

This week, Disney makes a splash and Christmas inches ever closer, along with not-another-vampire-movie and some cringe-worthy “comedy”.

Extras---divider-thin

  • Moana

    Age Restriction: PG

Moana, a spirited teenager and born navigator, sets sail from the ancient South Pacific islands of Oceania in search of a fabled island. During her incredible journey, she teams up with her hero, the legendary demi-god Maui, to traverse the open ocean on an action-packed voyage, encountering enormous sea creatures, breathtaking underworlds and ancient folklore.

It’s a struggle to find any fault with Moana. There may be the tiniest niggles here and there, but overall it’s just a wonderful movie. Bright and colourful, with catchy songs and the best Disney Princess I’ve ever seen, Moana is going to be a sure fire hit with children and parents alike. If you’re still not convinced, it’s worth it to hear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson belting out a Disney tune!

TheMovies review score: 4.5/5 stars
Rotten Tomatoes: 97%
Metacritic: 81

Book now in 2D at Nu Metro or Ster Kinekor
Book now in 3D at Nu Metro or Ster Kinekor

Extras---divider-thin

  • Underworld: Blood Wars

    Age Restriction: 16 H V

Selene (Kate Beckinsale) fends off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her. With her only allies, David (Theo James) and his father Thomas (Charles Dance), she must stop the eternal war between Lycans and Vampires, even if it means she has to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Unless you’re seriously a fan of Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather and a bad-ass attitude (which, let’s face it, who isn’t?) then you’ll definitely to skip Underworld: Blood Wars. Besides for the aforementioned vampire hottie, there’s nothing good about it. And she doesn’t even get enough screen time to make it worthwhile! Such a waste…

TheMovies review score: 1.5/5 stars
Rotten Tomatoes: 17%
Metacritic: unrated

Book now in 2D at Nu Metro or Ster Kinekor
Book now in 3D at Nu Metro or Ster Kinekor

Extras---divider-thin

  • Almost Christmas

    Age Restriction: 13 L

ALMOST CHRISTMAS tells the festive story of a beloved patriarch who asks his family for one gift this holiday season: to get along. If they can honor that wish and spend five days under the same roof without killing one another, it will be a Christmas miracle.

By far not the worst Christmas movie out there, Almost Christmas isn’t exactly the best either. It has its moments, and some committed performances by the talented cast, but it’s nowhere near likely to become a Christmas classic.

Rotten Tomatoes: 50%
Metacritic: 55

Book now at Nu Metro or Ster Kinekor

Extras---divider-thin

  • Jonathan

    Age Restriction: 16 L

Jonathan, a dreamer and wannabe stand-up comedian in his late 20’s, still lives with parents. After yet another failed open mic performance, he gets drunk and crashes his father’s dream bakkie. This is the last straw for his loving, but fed up parents, who eventually kick him out of the house. Sitting at a restaurant not knowing where to go, he watches car guards in the parking lot and decides that he will also become a car guard just to stay afloat until the next big stand-up competition, which he firmly believes he can win. After a very hostile reception by the other car guards, the eldest car guard decides to take Jonathan under his wing, teaches him the fine art of being a car guard and, more importantly, he teaches him about life and how to survive as an outcast.

One look at the poster and a quick glance at the synopsis confirmed everything I needed to know about this movie. It’s an Afrikaans comedy. I’m not even going to bother watching the trailer, but I’m sure you can expect a completely predictable story, lots of boitjie humour and a happy ending for the protagonist and the too-beautiful-to–be-true love interest that I’m sure is in there somewhere.

Book now at Nu Metro or Ster Kinekor

Extras---divider-thin

For more information about the age restrictions, click here.

Last Updated: December 2, 2016

100 Comments

  1. Andre Fourie

    December 2, 2016 at 12:08

    OI!!!! Anything against Afrikaans??????

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Argonian

      December 2, 2016 at 12:13

      Plot synopsis seems interesting though, I’d like to know how the story pans out

      Reply

      • Andre Fourie

        December 2, 2016 at 12:14

        That guy is actually quite funny with his standup.

        Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      December 2, 2016 at 12:14

      Agreed, Sounds her comment on it sounds like a typical Holywood movie to me.

      Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      December 2, 2016 at 12:17

      Sonja is darm `n pragtige dame

      Reply

      • Andre Fourie

        December 2, 2016 at 12:17

        Baie.

        Reply

      • Admiral Chief Argonian

        December 2, 2016 at 12:19

        12/10 verseker

        Reply

    • Tracy Benson

      December 2, 2016 at 13:21

      Um, no? I didn’t say I had anything against Afrikaans?

      Reply

    • The D

      December 2, 2016 at 14:04

      Steve Hofmeyer, Leon Schuster movies and their entire movie industry for starters.

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief Argonian

        December 2, 2016 at 14:08

        OI, OLD Schuster movies were gold

        Reply

      • Andre Fourie

        December 2, 2016 at 14:08

        I don’t mean the dickheads and retards. I mean the language.

        Reply

        • The D

          December 2, 2016 at 14:09

          Oh. Carry on then. I’ll just be here hating on Schuster.

          Reply

          • Andre Fourie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:27

            Yes, he is a vile specimen. More so than Adam Sandler.

      • RinceThis

        December 2, 2016 at 15:07

        lol

        Reply

        • Lord Chaos

          December 2, 2016 at 15:11

          You have no say in this soul-less one. 😛

          Reply

  2. Andre Fourie

    December 2, 2016 at 12:13

    Well, all these can wait until they come out on DVD. Except maybe Moana.

    Reply

  3. Admiral Chief Argonian

    December 2, 2016 at 12:16

    Lekker boytjies

    Reply

  4. Andre Fourie

    December 2, 2016 at 12:16

    Underworld is like Fast and Furious. Driven into the ground because of too much…Kate Beckinsale though…GRRRRR. She can come nibble me anytime with her vampire chompers.

    Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      December 2, 2016 at 12:18

      The world needs more Lycans, why is there so many vampire and zombie crap but so few Lycans?

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief Argonian

        December 2, 2016 at 12:19

        I’m going to become a werewolf in Skyrim this weekend

        Reply

        • Lord Chaos

          December 2, 2016 at 12:25

          Lycans are live.

          Reply

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            December 2, 2016 at 12:45

            And live is life!

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 12:47

            Damnz it 🙁

        • Bruce Bielie

          December 2, 2016 at 14:02

          Doing the Companions missions now. Tempted so much…

          Reply

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:04

            Do it!!!

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:13

            I dunno. That might force me to download some or other underwear Mod. It chafes me to see anyone in leather undies…

            I wonder if there are any chainmail undies mods…

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:08

            WEREWOLF PERKS!!!

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:16

            But the werewolf murders my play style of sneaky sneak thwop arrow in the knee…

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:17

            I also play sneaky, untill they piss me off and I go on werewolf rampage

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:19

            Ha ha no. My sneak is deadly and my bow is dwarven. Unless they mages. Dunno why but mages are my undoing in open combat.

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:22

            I so love chomping on mages.

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:35

            Mages: They make magic on the tongue and Necromancy in tummy.

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:25

            Glass bow this side, sneak at level 90 now, smithing 94, bow at 91

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:33

            Hours played? Can you still identify your wife on first glance or are you on second glance now?
            And does your children yell “Mamma hier is ‘n vreemdeling in die huis!” when you wander about the house???
            JK

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:51

            First Skyrim, about 500 or more

            This one, 47?

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 15:10

            47? OK.

      • Andre Fourie

        December 2, 2016 at 12:19

        Because of yard shitting, leg humping and butt sniffing.

        Reply

    • For the Emperor!

      December 2, 2016 at 12:42

      Maybe The Rock can save this franchise as well? Send him an SOS!

      Reply

  5. Admiral Chief Argonian

    December 2, 2016 at 12:17

    I think Tracy needs to watch a marathon Afrikaans comedy movies to make up for that snarky comment.

    Any votes?

    Reply

    • Andre Fourie

      December 2, 2016 at 12:17

      Agreed. You have my vote.

      Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      December 2, 2016 at 12:19

      Seconded

      Reply

    • Andre Fourie

      December 2, 2016 at 12:20

      She needs to start with the Orkney Snork nie movies. That’ll teach her.

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief Argonian

        December 2, 2016 at 12:21

        Ons gaan see toe

        Reply

        • Andre Fourie

          December 2, 2016 at 12:22

          Spuitpoep 2

          Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      December 2, 2016 at 12:29

      *Summons all of lazygamer for all the upvotes

      Reply

    • VampyreSquirrel

      December 2, 2016 at 12:34

      That’s rather cruel

      Reply

    • Alien Emperor Trevor

      December 2, 2016 at 12:43

      No.

      Reply

      • Original Heretic

        December 2, 2016 at 12:43

        Good man. THIS gets my upvote.

        Reply

        • Admiral Chief Argonian

          December 2, 2016 at 12:47

          Afrikaans comedy movies are 1/5 good, the rest are terrible.

          Hence the “punishment”

          Reply

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 12:47

            Not Afrikaans, but Nightdrive was awesome.

          • Andre Fourie

            December 2, 2016 at 12:49

            The souties won’t side with you.

          • Original Heretic

            December 2, 2016 at 12:50

            So you want to “punish” someone for sharing your opinion that Afrikaans movies are generally terrible? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4ffa2e8c85da64ce8ec4c78aa36fb23bf54cf6ebb8a4348e77e314edb0c99ebb.jpg

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 12:51

            Because punishing people is fun?

          • Original Heretic

            December 2, 2016 at 12:52

            That sounds like a Texas thing to say.

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 12:55

            Or human thing, depending on your viewpoint.

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            December 2, 2016 at 12:51

            The only good Afrikaans comedy is Lipstick Dipstick. Everything else can gitfs.

          • Original Heretic

            December 2, 2016 at 12:53

            Now THERE I agree! That movie was bloody hilarious!

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 13:05

            Best, movie, ever.

            Oh Shucks here comes UNTAG is also gold

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 13:59

            UNTAG was Schuster at his best. RHINO HORN!!!

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:07

            YOU CAN COME OUT NOW, THE WAR IS OVER, UNTAG IS HERE

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:12

            Bwahahahahahaaaaaa… Say what you want, that shits funny right there!

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:19

            My favourite Schuster movie, by far.

            HELP
            MOEDER
            DE VERDOMDE BOK SCHKIETE TERUG!!

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:20

            To Takealot!

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:27

            I HAD one, but my fffffffffff in-laws borrowed it and lost it

            /tableflip

          • Bruce Bielie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:37

            I borrow DVD’s to two people. My sister and my friend of 33 years.

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 15:01

            I stopped doing that.

            If I always followed this doctrine, I’d have had about 100 more cds/dvds

      • RinceThis

        December 2, 2016 at 15:08

        agreed.

        Reply

    • Tracy Benson

      December 2, 2016 at 13:23

      What snarky comment?

      Reply

      • Admiral Chief Argonian

        December 2, 2016 at 13:36

        “not even going to bother watching”

        Shouldn’t you, as a movie journo, watch to make a informed opinion?

        In any case, you are most likely correct in assuming the standard “Afrikaans comedy” formula.

        Same with Afrikaans pop music. Some doef doef, some baby baby, husky male singer voice and voila, copypasta top 10 hit.

        /tableflip

        Just so you know, just giving you grief, just making sure you are commenting, and that it is not Geoff moonlighting in a dress, again

        Reply

        • Lord Chaos

          December 2, 2016 at 13:39

          Was just about to say she should’ve read your normal comments.
          What happened her is the pure definition of sarchasm.

          Reply

          • Admiral Chief Argonian

            December 2, 2016 at 14:07

            ‘Sarchasm’ and ‘her’ nogal

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:13

            *here, damn it, but sarchasm is an actual word.

        • Tracy Benson

          December 2, 2016 at 13:48

          Haha, you should know by now that I’m snarky about every Afrikaans movie that I have to write about for the MOT! And I have an informed opinion, having watched every trailer for every movie that opened over the past few years. I know the standard Afrikaans formula when I see it 😛

          Reply

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:05

            For Afrikaans romcoms I would agree, but there’s something special about our comedies.

          • Tracy Benson

            December 2, 2016 at 14:23

            “special”

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:30

            Oi! I take offence to that. 😛
            But honestly I’d say it’s on the same level as current Hollywood movies

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 14:30

            And with Hollywood I mean Fox and the likes

          • Andre Fourie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:51

            We have some good dramas as well.

          • Andre Fourie

            December 2, 2016 at 14:52

            Afrrikaans romcoms are kak. There I agree with you.

  6. Admiral Chief Argonian

    December 2, 2016 at 12:17

    Underworld, needs to die, but cannot, hehe

    Reply

  7. Admiral Chief Argonian

    December 2, 2016 at 12:20

    • Andre Fourie

      December 2, 2016 at 12:21

      I have this on my phone. Kak funny.

      Reply

    • Andre Fourie

      December 2, 2016 at 12:23

      I would love to go drink with this guy one night. I will probably die, but it will be from laughing.

      Reply

      • Lord Chaos

        December 2, 2016 at 12:24

        I’ve had a few with Robbie Wessels, almost died.

        Reply

        • Andre Fourie

          December 2, 2016 at 12:24

          I can imagine.

          Reply

    • Andre Fourie

      December 2, 2016 at 12:32

      Man, i had a good laugh now.

      Reply

  8. Craig "CrAiGiSh" Dodd

    December 2, 2016 at 12:50

    Keen for Underworld … yes I’m a fan … bow wow!!!

    Reply

    • Lord Chaos

      December 2, 2016 at 12:51

      *howls

      Reply

      • Andre Fourie

        December 2, 2016 at 12:54

        Did you shit in the yard again?

        Reply

        • Lord Chaos

          December 2, 2016 at 12:55

          Where else, works amazing with the rain we’ve been having. 😛

          Reply

          • Andre Fourie

            December 2, 2016 at 12:56

            You live in Gauteng???

          • Lord Chaos

            December 2, 2016 at 12:57

            I canoed to work a few weeks ago, so yes.

          • Andre Fourie

            December 2, 2016 at 12:59

            Awwww shame. I feel sorry for you. What a kak place.

    • Captain JJ

      December 2, 2016 at 14:09

      Yea, it’s a sin apparently

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Check Also

Twelve Minutes Review – Stuck in a Mystery Time Loop

We’ve all experienced deja vu a few times in our lives, but what happens when you ha…