Every year, billions of game developers die because of Metacritic. An arbitrary collection of numbers and some other aggregate crap that makes no sense to a guy who barely passed his Maths exam in Grade 7, it’s clear that this system is holding us back. But Critical Hit (previously Lazygamer) has heard your cries. Critical Hit is here to save the day. And as the most important website in Africa (Behind Bathroom Bizarre Online, SpareBeetleParts.co.za and MugabeFalls.org), we feel that we have a duty to be a shining beacon of inspiration with our review system.
For starters, none of our reviews will contain any words whatsoever. Market research has proven that audiences don’t exactly care for a thousand-odd words of hastily written tripe, especially when it has been penned by a gang of foul-smelling Morlocks with the manners of a bloated dead horse. So words are out, and instead our reviews will use revolutionary new Negative Space Technology ™, while we pretend to have actually played the game.
Instead of using those bastard numbers to assign an opinionated value to our reviews, we’ve overhauled the system to now use the finest reaction GIF’s, gathered from five minutes of drunkenly surfing through 4Chan. Our new system works as follows:
100-91:
90-81:
80-71:
70-61:
60-51:
50-41:
40-31:
30-21:
20-11:
10-0:
Last Updated: February 13, 2017
Brady miaau
February 12, 2015 at 17:04
A great read and a great response to a problem that may or may not exist!
Thanks, LG (and Darryn), for restoring my faith in numbers in general
Numberwang!
The D
February 12, 2015 at 17:21
THAT’S NUMBERWANG!
Exalted Overlord Geoffrey Tim
February 12, 2015 at 17:27
ITTTTTTTTTT”S NUMBERWANG!
Sageville
February 13, 2015 at 10:12
Knights of Wangernumb come forth!
Hammersteyn
February 12, 2015 at 17:14
This can be for games that equals a wet fart
http://img-9gag-ftw.9cache.com/photo/aMrQV91_460sa.gif
Sageville
February 13, 2015 at 10:13
“I just shat myself” face.
Hammersteyn
February 13, 2015 at 10:20
hahahaha
Hammersteyn
February 12, 2015 at 17:21
Visiting 1UP.com and GameSpy is depressing. You can see when the sites died.
HvR
February 12, 2015 at 17:29
Sad feelings. Gamespy was my go to site after we got our Mweb dial-up line and 1UP had probably the best gaming podcast ever.
Hope Gavin never sells to Ziff Davis.
So Hard (Umar)
February 12, 2015 at 18:03
I loved 1up so much!
HvR
February 12, 2015 at 17:27
This is an outrage, typical Lazygamer making a mockery of gaming journalism. You are messing with people’s jobs here, THEIR FUTURES!!!! Using a stupid Top Gear gif when you can use this:
http://media.giphy.com/media/1gb2lApBCtzm8/giphy.gif
Sir GIF Sexy
February 12, 2015 at 17:31
YES! Let the GIFs rule! LET THEM RULE ALL! OUR MASTER PLAN IS WORKING! MWHAHAHAHA!
10-0 should be:
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–2GBIS6jW–/j6pmsupiw1rfxmvuemuj.gif
Nick de Bruyne
February 12, 2015 at 17:34
Holy crap that was funny. Man those GIFs were perfect.
Nick de Bruyne
February 12, 2015 at 17:35
“Okay team, we have just been informed that unless we get a Jeremy Clarkson, we are all out of a job”. Last year we scraped by on a Gandalf, but Gandalfs aren’t good enough anymore”
Mathias
February 12, 2015 at 17:48
Ryanza
February 12, 2015 at 20:05
Oh Gallifrey.
If I’m standing ina shop and want to buy a video game and I use my phone to quickly check review scores, I will need a number. I can’t stand there in the shop, can’t make up my mind, and read a long fucking review.
But by Gallifrey, those review numbers need to be right. No leniency. I can’t be buying no 8.5 boring ass shitty games.
Don’t Support DRM. The Witcher 3 is coming. 9.2 easy.
Splooshypooh
February 13, 2015 at 09:34
Now THERE is a good point
Geoff
February 12, 2015 at 21:02
I laughed so hard at the second last gif, I almost had a heart attack.
Tracy Benson
February 12, 2015 at 21:41
Oh man, love it! The 10-0 gif was just… perfect, on multiple levels. If you guys actually did replace review scores with these gifs that would be amazing
Admiral Chief
February 13, 2015 at 07:53
It has been many moons since I last saw you comment here
Mossel
February 13, 2015 at 07:21
lol this is awesome. Although I feel this Jonah Hill gif could’ve been worked in somewhere.
http://replygif.net/i/237.gif
Admiral Chief
February 13, 2015 at 07:52
Agreed
RinceThis
February 13, 2015 at 07:57
Brilliant Darryn!
Kensei Seraph
February 13, 2015 at 08:05
And for those that score negative:
http://funnymama.com/store/131123/239061_v0_600x.gif
Admiral Chief
February 13, 2015 at 08:27
Too sparkly
Sageville
February 13, 2015 at 10:14
Needs more “Le Sigh”
Allykhat
February 13, 2015 at 09:00
This made my day…
CAE9872
February 13, 2015 at 09:45
hahahaha – actually I like the GIF idea…
Sageville
February 13, 2015 at 09:48
Rating 0 – 10 the best!
Gideon Venter
February 13, 2015 at 10:30
I so wanted MugabeFalls.org to be a thing… Way to raise my hopes and then expertly dash them sir.
You could have a future in telling orphans how great biological parents are.
Mark Vincer
February 13, 2015 at 11:24
I don’t understand, this article has nothing to do with how many Pokemon @Darrangedd has caught. I came here to read about his mastery!
The D
February 13, 2015 at 11:57
I have a GIF for that:
http://cdn.funnyhub.com/2014/dec/the-intreview/the-intreview-gif-01.gif
Mark Vincer
February 13, 2015 at 12:03
But seriously. I need to know. Since I lost my Pokemon game for my DS and my R4 card exploded, I have to live vicariously through you. And also this: http://www.dorkly.com/post/59513/the-best-quotes-from-frank-underwood-pokemon-champion
Ryanza
February 13, 2015 at 11:58
You know personally I liked the old way Lazygamer.co.za used to score games. Because in the end one number is not going to work for a lot of people. People play games for different reasons and highlighting those reasons will always be better, especially when you in a hurry and need feedback fast.
Evolve:
Story – 3
gameplay and shooting mechanic – 7.5
single player – 3
multiplayer – 7 (4v1)
weapons, classes, – 7
maps – 7
graphics – 7.5
audio, music and fun effects, 7
cost of DLC – 8
DLC worth – 2
ok Evolve doesn’t have much to offer but you get my drift.
Evolve score – 5.9. and that’s about the right score for Evolve.
So if you looking for a good shooting, multiplayer, guns, maps and graphics. You looking at a 7.2 game.
If you looking for a single player, story game. You looking at a 3.
I think Lazygamer.net should go back and revisted the Lazygamer.net days when it comes to scoring games.
Ryanza
February 13, 2015 at 12:05
*revisit Lazygamer.co.za days…
hairyknees
February 13, 2015 at 13:38
How the hell did I miss this article? XD this is amazing!
Leon de Bruin
February 13, 2015 at 13:52
Ha ha ha, great article
Majik
February 14, 2015 at 08:43
Bwahahaha, most classic read ever! Nice one Darryn 100/10