Home Gaming Introducing Critical Hit’s new game review system

Introducing Critical Hit’s new game review system

1 min read
38

No-more

Every year, billions of game developers die because of Metacritic. An arbitrary collection of numbers and some other aggregate crap that makes no sense to a guy who barely passed his Maths exam in Grade 7, it’s clear that this system is holding us back. But Critical Hit (previously Lazygamer) has heard your cries. Critical Hit is here to save the day. And as the most important website in Africa (Behind Bathroom Bizarre Online, SpareBeetleParts.co.za and MugabeFalls.org), we feel that we have a duty to be a shining beacon of inspiration with our review system.

For starters, none of our reviews will contain any words whatsoever. Market research has proven that audiences don’t exactly care for a thousand-odd words of hastily written tripe, especially when it has been penned by a gang of foul-smelling Morlocks with the manners of a bloated dead horse. So words are out, and instead our reviews will use revolutionary new Negative Space Technology ™, while we pretend to have actually played the game.

Instead of using those bastard numbers to assign an opinionated value to our reviews, we’ve overhauled the system to now use the finest reaction GIF’s, gathered from five minutes of drunkenly surfing through 4Chan. Our new system works as follows:

100-91:

90-81:

80-71:

70-61:

60-51:

50-41:

40-31:

30-21:

20-11:

10-0:

There may be a level of adjustment required for this new format, but seeing as how we spent over R1 Billion to hire the guys behind the eNATIS system to create this for us, we really don’t care about any complaints. Tune in next week, where we stay ahead of the curve once again by closing the website down for good, so that we can be as cool as 1UP.com and GameSpy.
*We’re not ditching numbers. Numbers are awesome. If you believed that article though, I’d gladly share of some of your medicinal “medicine” with you.

Last Updated: February 13, 2017

38 Comments

  1. A great read and a great response to a problem that may or may not exist!

    Thanks, LG (and Darryn), for restoring my faith in numbers in general

    Numberwang!

    Reply

  2. Hammersteyn

    February 12, 2015 at 17:14

    This can be for games that equals a wet fart

    http://img-9gag-ftw.9cache.com/photo/aMrQV91_460sa.gif

    Reply

    • Sageville

      February 13, 2015 at 10:13

      “I just shat myself” face.

      Reply

      • Hammersteyn

        February 13, 2015 at 10:20

        hahahaha

        Reply

  3. Hammersteyn

    February 12, 2015 at 17:21

    Visiting 1UP.com and GameSpy is depressing. You can see when the sites died.

    Reply

    • HvR

      February 12, 2015 at 17:29

      Sad feelings. Gamespy was my go to site after we got our Mweb dial-up line and 1UP had probably the best gaming podcast ever.

      Hope Gavin never sells to Ziff Davis.

      Reply

    • So Hard (Umar)

      February 12, 2015 at 18:03

      I loved 1up so much!

      Reply

  4. HvR

    February 12, 2015 at 17:27

    This is an outrage, typical Lazygamer making a mockery of gaming journalism. You are messing with people’s jobs here, THEIR FUTURES!!!! Using a stupid Top Gear gif when you can use this:
    http://media.giphy.com/media/1gb2lApBCtzm8/giphy.gif

    Reply

  5. Sir GIF Sexy

    February 12, 2015 at 17:31

    YES! Let the GIFs rule! LET THEM RULE ALL! OUR MASTER PLAN IS WORKING! MWHAHAHAHA!

    10-0 should be:

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–2GBIS6jW–/j6pmsupiw1rfxmvuemuj.gif

    Reply

  6. Nick de Bruyne

    February 12, 2015 at 17:34

    Holy crap that was funny. Man those GIFs were perfect.

    Reply

  7. Nick de Bruyne

    February 12, 2015 at 17:35

    “Okay team, we have just been informed that unless we get a Jeremy Clarkson, we are all out of a job”. Last year we scraped by on a Gandalf, but Gandalfs aren’t good enough anymore”

    Reply

  8. Mathias

    February 12, 2015 at 17:48

  9. Ryanza

    February 12, 2015 at 20:05

    Oh Gallifrey.

    If I’m standing ina shop and want to buy a video game and I use my phone to quickly check review scores, I will need a number. I can’t stand there in the shop, can’t make up my mind, and read a long fucking review.
    But by Gallifrey, those review numbers need to be right. No leniency. I can’t be buying no 8.5 boring ass shitty games.

    Don’t Support DRM. The Witcher 3 is coming. 9.2 easy.

    Reply

    • Splooshypooh

      February 13, 2015 at 09:34

      Now THERE is a good point

      Reply

  10. Geoff

    February 12, 2015 at 21:02

    I laughed so hard at the second last gif, I almost had a heart attack.

    Reply

  11. Tracy Benson

    February 12, 2015 at 21:41

    Oh man, love it! The 10-0 gif was just… perfect, on multiple levels. If you guys actually did replace review scores with these gifs that would be amazing

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief

      February 13, 2015 at 07:53

      It has been many moons since I last saw you comment here

      Reply

  12. Mossel

    February 13, 2015 at 07:21

    lol this is awesome. Although I feel this Jonah Hill gif could’ve been worked in somewhere.

    http://replygif.net/i/237.gif

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief

      February 13, 2015 at 07:52

      Agreed

      Reply

  13. RinceThis

    February 13, 2015 at 07:57

    Brilliant Darryn!

    Reply

  14. Kensei Seraph

    February 13, 2015 at 08:05

    • Admiral Chief

      February 13, 2015 at 08:27

      Too sparkly

      Reply

    • Sageville

      February 13, 2015 at 10:14

      Needs more “Le Sigh”

      Reply

  15. Allykhat

    February 13, 2015 at 09:00

    This made my day…

    Reply

  16. CAE9872

    February 13, 2015 at 09:45

    hahahaha – actually I like the GIF idea…

    Reply

  17. Sageville

    February 13, 2015 at 09:48

    Rating 0 – 10 the best!

    Reply

  18. Gideon Venter

    February 13, 2015 at 10:30

    I so wanted MugabeFalls.org to be a thing… Way to raise my hopes and then expertly dash them sir.

    You could have a future in telling orphans how great biological parents are.

    Reply

  19. Mark Vincer

    February 13, 2015 at 11:24

    I don’t understand, this article has nothing to do with how many Pokemon @Darrangedd has caught. I came here to read about his mastery!

    Reply

  20. Ryanza

    February 13, 2015 at 11:58

    You know personally I liked the old way Lazygamer.co.za used to score games. Because in the end one number is not going to work for a lot of people. People play games for different reasons and highlighting those reasons will always be better, especially when you in a hurry and need feedback fast.

    Evolve:
    Story – 3
    gameplay and shooting mechanic – 7.5
    single player – 3
    multiplayer – 7 (4v1)
    weapons, classes, – 7
    maps – 7
    graphics – 7.5
    audio, music and fun effects, 7
    cost of DLC – 8
    DLC worth – 2

    ok Evolve doesn’t have much to offer but you get my drift.
    Evolve score – 5.9. and that’s about the right score for Evolve.

    So if you looking for a good shooting, multiplayer, guns, maps and graphics. You looking at a 7.2 game.
    If you looking for a single player, story game. You looking at a 3.

    I think Lazygamer.net should go back and revisted the Lazygamer.net days when it comes to scoring games.

    Reply

    • Ryanza

      February 13, 2015 at 12:05

      *revisit Lazygamer.co.za days…

      Reply

  21. hairyknees

    February 13, 2015 at 13:38

    How the hell did I miss this article? XD this is amazing!

    Reply

  22. Leon de Bruin

    February 13, 2015 at 13:52

    Ha ha ha, great article

    Reply

  23. Majik

    February 14, 2015 at 08:43

    Bwahahaha, most classic read ever! Nice one Darryn 100/10

    Reply

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